TGIF...

Thanks for calling me out Brandi...I hadn't forgotten, but the reminder is always appreciated...especially when there are other things going on...

grateful for:

**grateful lists themselves and how they remind me of everything that's good in my world...

**anonymous...oh i'm going to have fun with you--you have no idea.

**a love so amazing that it brings out the very worst in the haters...doesn't sound fancy but think about it...

**my friend Jessica getting married this Sunday to the man of her dreams...I know you two will have a great life together!

**unlimited text messages (and the crowd goes wild!!!)

**people...they sure are interesting...can't even get that mad at 'em...issues, issues, issues...

**home-cooked meals...delicious...seriously.

**another week...

**beach trip in one week--can't wait to see you brandi...and can't wait for the "all of us time"--it's party time kiddos! lol

**your baby turning 15...the way he loves his mama is amazing...

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...can i swing from your branches?

**tito's, sky, seagram's, and that sexy black cat...nice one.

**getting to attend meditation last Sunday...it was great

**baseball game this Sunday--going to be fun

**so many "firsts" and important shared experiences already...

**a full life...i am deeply sad for those who don't have enough going on in their own existence--the world/life they've created for themselves--to stay focused on it and enjoy it...but instead lead such empty lives that they have the time to give so much time, thought, and energy to other people's...so blessed and grateful not to be a part of THAT club...

**zicam...i might possibly be becoming a bit TOO fond of it, and that's not good...but these days it's the only way i can breathe--this sinus infection is for the birds!

**people showing their true colors...whoever "anonymous" is, i assume you are no longer a major part of my/her/our life (if you ever were)...and for that, i am SO grateful, and clearly you never deserved to be there...

**her laugh/giggle...the reason i would be devastated if i lost my ability to hear...

**my sister in Miami for the Junior Olympics for the next week...i am so proud of her!

**for the way that YOU love ME...it's amazing to me...

**my brother and i talking/texting, etc more...i love that boy.

**treetop love and butterfly kisses...never can get enough...

**so much time spent "just being"...

**the popeye face...seriously makes me crack up every single time...

**the fact that those who really know us and love us can easily see it in our eyes...BOTH of ours.

**for a saturday off to do nothing but be with you and do what we want, when we want...

**for my life...i am truly blessed.

**for you, Michelle. i love you so much--no need to be metaphorical about that one.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

A WORD TO THE (UN)WISE...

Be careful. I am not who you may think I am. And I have ways of finding things out...and my guess is that you know that. My advice is to do yourself the favor of being content with the damage you have already done...it's already going to take an army to keep me off your ass when I get confirmation. Step lightly...for I feel like a minefield.

IMPROVEMENT V. GROWTH

There's a difference between improvement and growth...at least in my own mind.

I was asked several times over a particular period in my life why I stayed in the situation I was in...or in reverse, why I didn't leave or give up on it. My answer was always that I saw improvement. And I thought that was enough. I didn't realize at the time that while seeing improvement can certainly be a good thing, it is not the same as seeing growth...and by extension...improving is not the same as growing.

To improve upon something is "to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition"...

To grow is "to arise or issue as a natural development from an original happening, circumstance, or source"...

It's the nature part that makes the difference. There is a vast difference between bringing something into a more desirable condition--improving...and actually have a natural development--growing.

One can improve without growing. One cannot typically grow without also improving. Although I must say I've seen several examples of someone growing and those around them not seeing it as an improvement. However, in almost all of those cases, it wasn't that the person didn't actually improve, it was that the people in their lives preferred them the old way...didn't want them "outgrowing" the friendship/relationship, or just didn't want things to change.

Improvement is something that one can "put on"...it's a conscious act of changing a particular action or behavior for the better...(ment) of the relationship or the people's perception of the person. Growth, by contrast, occurs naturally...it cannot be forced, cannot be faked..and most importantly, it doesn't go away. It is possible for one to improve upon something temporarily...to get better at it but only for a certain period of time. Once we have attained growth in a particular area, this won't go away. We may stumble or have setbacks, but those are easily overcome. If we have too many, or find it too difficult to overcome, chances are we've actually improved, not grown.

Because of its illusive and potentially fleeting nature, I have learned that in a relationship, it is not enough to look merely for improvement in the "deal breaker" areas, but we must instead see growth. I still firmly believe in "staying"...I believe in being committed and loyal and strong and not running at the first sign of trouble. I just also believe that if you're constantly being hurt by something in your relationship or friendship and your answer to why you continue to stay through that thing is that you see improvement, but are never able to truly say that you see growth, that's a problem (aside from the more obvious fact that if people are constantly asking you why you stay, that may already indicate a problem...or at least a major concern...but hey, some people are slower than others...bless us.) On the flip side, I think that I could stay through just about anything (but dishonesty) in a relationship if I could truly say I saw growth. Growth is not the cure-all...it has stages...saying you see growth doesn't mean the problem has been solved, it just means that you see a natural development in that area...something that is ingrained in that person...something that's not being done simply as a conscious effort to "show" you or to alter your perceptions.

I have a picture frame in my bathroom that says "Grow" and has a dried yellow rose inside instead of a picture. I have had it for many years and even though I'm no longer in contact with the person who gave it to me, I've never been able to let it go...it's one of my favorite things. I finally understand why...

Improve your sports skills...your job-performance skills...your money-management techniques...but

Grow...yourself. Grow...your relationships. And I will do the same...

-B

SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND...

This is a throwback blog from the archives...this was written 3 years and 3 months ago...amazing proof that sometimes in life, we truly do get exactly what we ask for...even if we have to exercise extreme patience to do so...check out who tagged me to do it in the first place...coincidence? maybe. maybe not.

Since I was tagged by Michelle and then by Sarah, that pretty much means I better get on the ball with this....

So the deal is that I am supposed to list and explain
10 qualities of my perfect lover/mate...

1. honesty i could really just stop at this one...it's that important to me. it's important that you never ask for something in a relationship that you are not also willing to give. i give it. and i fully expect it. for me, i love so hard and deeply that once that level of love is there, there is nothing we can't work through, as long as it was brought to me honestly.

2. challenge i love to be challenged. and i think sometimes in relationships people are afraid to challenge the ones that they love. this most often happens, in my personal opinion, because the person does not believe in themselves enough to truly push another. you have to have enough confidence in yourself to feel like you have the "right" to push another. push me...push me past my comfort zones, push me past my limits, push me past my patience threshold (although i'll admit that one is hard cause i have patience for days)...just push me. an ideal mate will make me a better person along our journey--tell me when i act up, challenge me to learn more, think more, be more.

3. passion i am a passionate person...particularly about people. and my ideal mate would also be passionate...about the relationship, about me, about our love life, as well as about the other things in their life that drive them or bring them joy. passion is so important to me....to feeling alive, to feeling like the relationship is alive...what Michelle said in hers about passion, I would just like to ditto and save us all some time and space. :o) Also, someone very close to me once said, "a person without passion is dying inside...only waiting for the outside to catch up"...couldn't agree more.

4. laughter i know love is supposed to be "serious" and "romantic" and all that jazz...but laughter is something i just can't live without. not so much that nothing is taken seriously, but i do love a woman who can be silly and let loose...goofiness and silliness are sexy to me when coupled with the other good stuff.

5. intelligence not only is this important for obvious reasons, it is sexy as hell...i'll just be real about it. and let me be clear that when i say intelligent i don't mean smart. i don't mean a 4.0 gpa...cause that could just mean you work hard (which is a great quality in itself, but not what i'm talking about here)...by intelligence i mean an ability to think on a level that most others do not. i mean asking the non-obvious questions and seeking the non-obvious answers. intelligence, to me, is a unique way of thinking--a higher level than most achieve. true intelligence is far more rare than one might think judging by how often the term is used as a descriptor.

6. communication now's a good time to state that these are in no particular order...because if so, this would have been #2 behind honesty. ahh...what to say about communication? it is an absolute must-have criteria...or at least a willing-to-work-hard-to-constantly-improve-it criteria...so much more can be accomplished and understood in a relationship when so much less goes unsaid. speak. be heard. listen. hear. open your mouth and say something. close your mouth and hear something.

7. desire to grow/change just as i want someone who challenges me, i also want someone who wants to be challenged. someone who sees their shortcomings not as failures or embarrassments, but as opportunities for growth. someone who allows me the space to say that i am unhappy with something they have done or something in the relationship...and want to fix what's broken, not take it as a personal attack. someone who desires to be told when they are not stepping up to the plate and doing all they can to chase their dreams or get what they desire or deserve in a given situation. basically, someone who is strong enough to want someone strong by their side and not feel threatened.

8. open-minded i am an open-minded individual and my ideal partner is as well. open to new ideas, new possibilities, and all types of people from all walks of life. i like to be around people who are different enough from me that i can learn something...anything....from my interaction with them. i just want someone who won't think my friends are "weird" or that isn't so stuck in routine and what's comfortable that they aren't willing to go new places and try new things.

9. selfless selfish people suck. plain and simple. and self-centered people (yes, there is a MAJOR difference)....well, i have a tendency to attract them in my life...don't know what it is about me. so i've learned to deal with them, maneuver with them (not yet around them), and coexist. but my perfect mate would not be selfish, for sure, nor self-centered( in general, and specifically when it comes to me). and i actually don't ask for much on this one....just give a damn about what's going on with me, just because you do, not because i'm telling you about it and you feel obligated to listen....and while we're at it...listen....don't just wait for your turn to speak...don't form your responses or retorts in your head while i am still talking....don't respond to a long story i just told you about how i feel about something with something about you...you know, the simple things....or at least it seems pretty simple to me....just give a damn and show it.

10. physical attraction well i guess i am the only vain one here...or at least the only one who's going to say that which has not been spoken. :o) but it did say "perfect", did it not? those who know me know that i am not vain. but i will be honest and say that my "perfect" lover or mate would be physically attractive...sorry about it, but it's the cold, hard truth folks! now, on the flipside, this can be accomplished in SO many ways...it can be in your eyes--their depth or unique color or the way they can say things to me without you ever opening your mouth (oh sorry, got carried away on one particular pair i once saw)...it can be in your smile--the ability to show me your sweetness through your smile is extremely attractive....it can be in your walk, your talk, your hair, your smell, your touch...legs....well anyway, you catch my drift--physical attraction for me comes in different shapes and forms...i have an eye for beauty, love beautiful things and love to admire physically beautiful people. So it only makes sense to me that my perfect lover/mate would possess one or more of these qualities.

AN ATTEMPT...

...to put my gratitude into words (2 weeks worth)...so bare with me...



for:

**you...in my space...and making it ourspace...

** "she is so warm"..."nice to feel that kind of love in a room"..."hugs..."--my mom

**viva Las Vegas...where to even begin?? zumanity, "becky/christina, aint she fine?", bathroom girl, diego, m&m world, thief, nyny, walking the green mile, 1983, window smudges, something new, and uhh...that other thing--you know the one.

**candlelight, drinks, and games...

**my ass finally catching on to the fact that you can make more than one word at a time in scrabble...my score thanks me for that...still haven't beaten the queen yet though...

**UNO...where my self-esteem is reborn hahaha

**rummy...where we BOTH can be winners, lol

**spending the day with my friend last sunday...it was nice...and so is your spot. invite me back soon...please.

**last week's storm...zeus got what she conjured up, lol

**my brother and his fiance coming to spend the night with me tonight, ahh quality time...

**Italian chicken...oh man i shouldn't have said it, now i can taste it and i want some! You hit that out of the park my love...

**central market and green chile chicken soup that made ya SO happy...

**hanging out with my family...she included...i was in heaven...

**oxygen bars and electromagnetic massages...it was weird, but nice lol

**my ability to be resourceful and get my schedule/situation laid out so i can spend time where i want, even if it takes effort or maneuvering--never giving up...somehow things tend to fall in place, and yes, i do tend to help them along...lol

** "baby"....no words.

**still finding hidden cards...you are good.

**polka dot thong, pink pasties, and slings...you are both sworn to secrecy about the details, lmao

**summer school being over for me soon...and having a month and a half of a real break from school...love it, but need it.

**the beach...coming soon

**waking up to heaven 9 times in a row...great number.

**trading inhibitions for comfort...it's safe here.

**yo' fffface. lmao

**my potatoes...if i can make YOU ask for something that I cook by request...oh yeah, i'm grateful lol

**demi and ashton...and kolaches for bruce

**sparkling promises...

**baby beauty's hard work paying off...hope she gets that cell phone now...

**her first paycheck...and not blowing it, lol

**him...he is just so dang cute...killa kam, killa kam

**going swimming...fun...and of course interesting

**fruity pebbles, cheeze nips (you need to get some cheese-its in ya life! lol), 12 different juices, tito's, gin, rasberry chipotle sauce, and whatever else we could scrape up in this bachelor pad, lol...

**2 toothbrushes in the holder...nice.

**you liking the view just as much as i do...looking out and seeing nothing but sky and treetops is so nice...

**friends who are so happy for us and who tell us with detail and regularity--you'll never know how much it means to each and to both...of us.

**myra.

**the life my heart is leading...never knew THIS kinda love was in the cards...but I'm loving playing the hand...every single day.

**you. in every possible way...you.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

again. still. finally. now. then. always. have. will. do.

CHOMPING AT THE BIT...

You know your life has taken an excellent turn when you actually have to hold yourself at bay each week to wait to do your grateful list...been waiting all week for Wednesday...so here we go...

grateful...

**that God gives us not what we deserve, but what (s)he wants us to have...

**for you...

**for knowing myself and what i need...still no tv...need more time to take in the dissapation of noise, chaos and distraction from thoughts/feelings/growth...

**for drops of jupiter...that song has found its way back to my list in a big way...i love it.

**for AT&T finally getting it together...made me happier than i anticipated...ridiculous smile...

**for my summer research assistantship...i'll be researching slavery and the law on a project involving a slave woman in galveston who had a 30-year relationship with her master and the subsequent legalities when he died and freed her in his will, leaving his estate to her...exciting.

**for our corner in the hallway at my job...my footprints are on the wall so i've marked our territory...

**john mayer...that boy is damn good at what he does--seriously...he is underrated in my opinion...i really, really dig him...

--your body is a wonderland --gravity --slowdancing in a burning room --in repair

**for "embarass the universe"...i am extremely impressed...

**for the way those two center strands of curls criss-cross each other and trace her face--falling across her right eye and landing lightly on her lips when i cannot be there to do so...

**for having great ways to pass my time at work...especially since the last 2 of my peeps that i actually talk to are leaving....i'll miss ya ben and erin (still miss you boys--keaton and daniel)...

**happy birthday Desi...you are still my little princess and i miss you--very much.

**for best friends...relationships that are sometimes difficult for others to understand...and for not caring about that at all...

**for G3...missed you...

**for picking up the phone and making things clear...we do it our way--we always have...always will...

**for archives...sometimes the best way to understand where you are is to remember/understand where you've been...

**for no filters...give it to ya straight, no chase...

**for our first trip coming up in about a week...can't wait...

**for being told "you taught me how to love" by my baby brother after he proposed and got engaged...meant a lot to me...

**for people experiencing me differently...and liking it...

**for you being a good enough friend not to say "i told you so"...but for me being honest enough to admit that you did...you were right, and thank you for trying....had to learn on my own, albeit the hard way...but i've learned...

**that those lessons help me recognize what i've got now...amazing, it is...you are.

**walking through the halls, opening doors...loving contents...all.

**for the happiness i feel...it knocks me off my feet everyday...

**for conversations that have pushed my boundaries and set huge new records...and loving every moment of it...

**for the browns and greens in the forests of her eyes...again...still...

**for grateful lists that could go on and on...

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

SPEAK FREELY...

There is great beauty in listening...i've always believed this. I am beginning to find that there is also beauty to be found in speaking...when your words are being heard...when your thoughts and ideas are sought after, encouraged, and appreciated...and when you are truly free to say whatever it is that you think or feel and know that you will not be judged, accused, or berated...something in you shifts, in all the right ways.

I tend to be in my head a LOT. In the past week, I've been told by two different people, "Mannn, you are QUIET" and "you do that a LOT" (in reference to thinking). Both these things are true...and will likely continue to be true...but also, i'm beginning to recognize the sound of my own voice a little more...i might even like it a little...but not too much..."those" people get on my nerves and always will. lol

it is an amazing feeling to have your words be treated with such care...being able to say what i like and don't like and have it remembered...being able to say what my views are and have them respected and not talked-over...and being able to express my feelings with words while not feeling that the vulnerability there will be taken advantage of...it's a beautiful thing.

while listening with attentiveness and no-judgment is one of the things i bring to the table, getting the same in return makes me want to continue to be better, in addition to being appreciative...so thank you...thank you for continuing to make me better...and for gentle reminders to just....speak freely.

--bRandy