A LITTLE BIT OF THIS...

AND A LITTLE BIT OF THAT...

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lying: the problem with it is that....scratch that...ONE OF the MANY problems with it is that it is virtually unstoppable...once you pop, you can't stop...unless you just come clean, but if you were brave enough to do that, you'd have done it in the first place, not when you're going to be in even deeper water for having lied to boot. i'm just sayin'...nobody ever claimed there wouldn't be consequences for being honest--i suffer the consequences of honesty all the time so i'm not trying to sugarcoat it and act like honesty is always FUN--but we're grownups...and as grownups, we are supposed to deal with life head-on...take it for what it really is in each moment...and yes, accept the consequences of our actions...not run and hide like a small child behind backwards words, bent symantics, and duplicity that'll make your head spin. I know, I know..."little white lies"--we all tell 'em..."i'm too sick to come to work today"..."no, your butt doesn't look big"...but we all know what i'm really talking about. deceiving another for your own gain or protection is truly the most selfish thing one can do to someone they love or care about.

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this song "it kills me" by melanie fiona....i'm torn. my gut reaction to it was very negative. she's singing about how she knows her man cheats, etc but she loves him and "who else is gonna hold me down". basically, a terrible message to teenage girls who are forming their ideas of love...terrible message for teenage boys who are forming their ideas of how to treat women...terrible message for grown men who already treat women like this.
on the other hand...
the song is so raw and so real. i am a firm believer that, like painters, poets, and novelists, recording artists should be free to sing/rap about what's real--in their lives or others--without the ridicule they currently take (thus i'm a fan of eminem and lil wayne where some of my closest friends are not)...but all of that's another topic for another time. my point is that based on how she sings this song, she's been there--that's real for her. or she's just that good and hasn't been there...but MANY women have and are. it's really a great song vocally and emotionally. you can feel the pain of someone in that position...and it's real...women experience that all the time and maybe for that group of women, this song says "you're not alone" (trying not to get the MJ song stuck in my head...resist...resist...lol). but really...all of us true music lovers love it because it speaks to us, because it can relate...and this song is no different. I'm quite sure that anyone who has felt what she's talking about feels this song on a deep level...and we all need that.

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ME--me and myself are becoming more and more reacquainted (and in some ways meeting for the first time) everyday...and i gotta say, i love it. this is so much fun. i'm turning 30 in 2 months and i refuse to go into that phase of my life (which is supposed to be one of the best) without being true to myself and without finally putting some value in myself and living from a place where i do value myself. this will cause some MAJOR shifts in a few things, probably for several people...but it's a good thing and only selfishness would allow them to see it any other way. It's also about living more consciously--a very important thing to me. Also about letting my true self shine thru--not always trying to please. And surprisingly enough, some of it even involves a return to some of the things about my personality that have been present over the last few years, but that put to the side or drastically changed because I just wanted EVERYTHING to be so different than what I had been dealing with. But the truth is that some of those things are me and need to be there, and some of the adjustments I’ve made are not as true to the real me. I was living from a place of fear…if any of the parts looked the same, I was afraid the whole might too. Not true.

There are aspects of pulling parts of me back into my walk, and then there are also brand new parts I’m adding to my walk…and those are the most exciting—they put the big smile on my face. I love the growth and learning I’m doing within me right now. Its not always obvious on my face maybe, but I’m pretty much constantly in thought and in an active process of growing and just settling into me. And I absolutely love it…mostly because it’s so real—all these things that are settling into my spirit (new or old) are so me…and therefore I know this is about the REAL me….i know this is stuff that I will just “BE”—as I was always supposed to…no fleeting thing(s)…I truly am being (re)born in some ways. Anywho…enough about me…let’s talk about you. lol

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YOU--you, the close people in my life are such a blessing. i have some truly unique folks who i can honestly say are rare finds...even if it's because they're crazy or some other trait many would consider less than desirable lol. i see the uniqueness in each of them and i love it...and them. and then there's the one...yes, THAT one...well she's the most unique of them all--the one i sometimes feel was God's attempt at a prototype...for she seems to have it all in there. I see pieces of her in others, yet have never seen pieces of others in her. Still a product of her past and her environment, yet the way that gets molded and shaped...it's not like the rest of us--she is her own beautiful brand...solamente...stands out in any crowd...and i will never believe that there is anyone else in the world like her.

GRATEFUL WEDNESDAY...

for:

**this life, this love...

**every new day...

**watching 2 of my girls take to the sky and have a great time...

**a great weekend of Erykah, NYLO, State Fair, house party, parasailing, and outdoor fun with the family...

**umm....Erykah Badu...she needs her own line...for she is lovely. :)

**the browns and greens in the deep forest of her eyes...

**the fact that time heals everything that is meant to endure in the first place...

**my kitchen goddess and all her many talents...

**beautiful people in my life...many reasons to smile

**the way her hair frames her face...and the way she looks when she pulls it back and lets that amazing face be seen in all its beauty.

**daily om online courses...i feel they're going to be very beneficial

**the way it never feels like too much, or enough, or not enough...that's amazing really...i mean think about it.

** "your realization that i'm not perfect does not make me a fraud...you are the fraud for making me believe i didn't have to be"...i am glad i wrote this...i needed to say that for some time now.

** "Have you ever told yourself that you are ready to stop, only finding yourself repeating the exact same thing at another ground breaking moment. Take note of this type of repetition. Be aware of the amount time that you invest in breaking bad habits. ...Yes, all embellishments take their duration of change, but we must encourage ourselves with a disciplined mind. Don't become too comfortable with trying. Get into doing."--the floacist

**sunshine on a cloudy day...

**3 beautiful kids (well one's almost 21 so not really a kid) in my life...

**3 beautiful godchildren whom i adore...

**the love i have in my heart for her. the way i feel about us...very clear about it.

**endurance...

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

random bits and pieces...from the "she" collection
heard it was good to post sometimes even if only lines or pieces...just in case my journal goes missing or...
just in case.
also furthering this journey to try to be more outwardly vulnerable...
we'll see about it...it's tough man. lol
-b


fingers traverse her hair even while we sleep
cause
i just wanna get to the root of her.
_________________________________________

i will never ask you to clip your wings,
for though your heart is as gentle as a butterfly,
i know that the ram in you still wants to take this life head-on...
exploring possibilities, trying new things, and seeking fulfillment in all that you do.
______________________________________________________________

when you allow a beauty like hers to seep into your pores, it's hard not to sweat her.
_______________________________________________________________

and the heart in me is not a locket--i seek not to contain you
my heart is your soft place to land sweet butterfly...
and should you decide to enter, you can do so through the holes that exist to ensure that you can always breathe...
holes don't close when it's convenient for me...
if you need to feel the fresh breeze across your lips or climb distant trees to taste exotic fruits
you are free
to do so
because my heart...is where your home is.
and coming home to my heart doesn't come with the expectation of being a hermit.
this world will still be yours to explore...
and when it hurts you,
i'll meet you back at home
to lick up the pieces.
___________________________________________________________________
I see you...see you as though you were born on the backs of my eyelids
i watch the colors in your eyes change with your mood...home is where your hue is.

i watch seeds of doubt grow into strength and confidence...and sometimes be cut back down again.
home is where you are replanted.
__________________________________________________________________
fingers grip tightly to her hair...desperate to get to the root of her.
______________________________________________
Beauty marks placed strategically across her body because God knew...like i know...
that her beauty not only spreads across her face,
but lies within the deepest
corners...pockets...reaches...confines...
of her being.
_____________________________
you want to see what she paints,
I want to know how her colors were mixed and created.
_________________________________________
One day i asked God,
Why me?

(S)he replied:

because before you were born, there were whispers that you shouldn't be...
so i sent her to make sure you remember everyday that you're lucky to be alive.

because at a very young age you learned that just because two people can CREATE life together,
doesn't mean they will SPEND life together.
so i put love for her in your heart so you'd finally know
how
forever feels.

because when you were 4 years old your mother had to be strong enough to let go
again
and you had to do so right along with her
so i gave you the curves of her hips and thighs so you'd always have something beautiful to hold onto.

because when you were far too young,
you learned that trusting another with your vulnerability could lead to great heartache,
so i sent her arms to hold you in ways you have never,
and will never,
allow anyone else's to hold you

because the transition from your mother's house to your father's house
was more than just a move...
but said something to you about being wanted...
so i gave you one whose eyes tell you everything you need to know about your worth

because even as a child you'd give every single thing you had to someone you loved...
so i rewarded you with the only thing you've ever really wanted in return...
a love like her.

because your black and white stripes line up perfectly with hers,
i chose to allow you to navigate life's safari together...

because you have the ability to think deeply,
and she has the ability to bring life to deep thoughts with deep words...
i brought you together to write the love story i've been trying to perfect
since adam and eve...

because i gave you the power to SAY the things she so desperately needs to hear...
and because i gave her the power to BE the things you so desperately need to see...

because i gave her the power to SAY the things you so desperately need to hear...
and because i gave you the power to BE the things she so desperately needs to see...

because i know you love nature...
i gave you a forest in her eyes

because i know you appreciate beauty...
i gave you its very definition

because i created you in my image...
i gave you one whose spirit impresses even me.

because i know you like to fly...
i gave you one with gentle but sturdy wings.

because i know you are simple,
i gave you one who values the little things...

because i know you are complex,
i gave you one whose wisdom and insight reach far beyond this dimension or this lifetime...
___________________________________________________________
i dream about her with my eyes wide open--not wanting to miss a moment of our present
but fantasizing about our future
i don't sleep
i just daydream with my eyes closed.
_____________________________________________
it's as if she swallowed the world right off my shoulders...
the fruits of her consumption showing in the browns and greens of her eyes
uses them to give it back to me piece by piece--
in doses that make me feel less of the world's weight,
and more of its beauty
she cultivates her consumption--
the incubator for God's most important creations.
_____________________________________________________
don't know where it started,
dont know when it will end...
she encircles me...
enraptures my soul...
devours my fears in the same breath she creates them.
__________________________________________________
I wish that I had conceived you so I could have named you Beautiful.
__________________________________________________________

GREAT...FULL...

for:

**this life, this love...this life. this love. whew...this life, this love (so nice, had to say it thrice).

**falling in love with us...it's one thing to fall in love with the person, something else entirely to fall in love with the relationship/couple...

**quality time...much needed

**ranch pork chops...wow....

**good days at work...

**introspection...lots and lots of introspection lately

**my truths...being more honest with myself about the things that make me vulnerable--scary as hell, but freeing at the same time...

**the lighter side of the sun...

**these skies still continuing to amaze me...

**housewarming gifts that make us both smile--as much for the sentiment as for the actual gifts...so sweet.

**a fun night out together...and seeing my girl finally after 2 years--it's funny we talk everyday, but it was still so nice to actually put eyes on each other...and happy birthday to a cool ass chick :)

**mom coming to visit and continuing to bond with the queen and the princess...

**fun times with the poets...great group of crazy ass folks :)

**that we sometimes get overwhelmed...hurts so good...

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...

**my life is great...i'm just so happy.

**doing it my way...i like my way--never gave it enough credit before...

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

MY TRUTHS...

I think it's important to sit and be very honest with ourselves...I think it can be equally important, at times, to be honest about ourselves...out loud. And so, with that, I will begin to periodically post "My Truths"...things I'm realizing or admitting or embracing about myself--some for the first time, others just for the first time out loud. (similar to Michelle's "Things I've Learned", but for me, not so much lessons as confessions to/of self)...
I ask only that if you are not someone who can, will, and does love me unconditionally, that you skip posts with this title--for I will be raw with who I am and I have the expectation of not being judged or feelings changed.
This is me...if you love me,
love me.

Love,
Me.

1. I no longer believe in "always" and "never"
and i'm so sad about that. if i'm saying them, i believe them. but if they are said to me, they really don't carry much weight anymore. some will say that it's the best thing that could have happened to me--to let go of believing in those words--they'll say it's smarter and safer not to--but i want(ed) to...the choice for me and how i want(ed) to live my life was to continue to believe in those words. I hadn't allowed myself to admit, to myself, that i don't anymore. Didn't want to be defeated--I've held onto "always" and "never" through a lot of things in life--and so i thought i always would. guess i got caught sleepin'...sucks to have to say that those words no longer have much affect on me unless i'm the one saying them. sucks badly.

2. I called it being "loyal to a fault"--which is ALSO true...but the other truth is that I did still love you through all of that--and i was afraid of what that truth said about me.

3. Sometimes my fierce loyalty is actually a built-in safeguard for its opposite--
a need/desire/inclinition
to run...to a safer place.

hmm...that was more difficult than i thought. which probably means it was even more necessary than i thought. ugh.
-b

GRATEFUL...

"You think this is just another day in your life? It's not just another day...it's the one day that is given to you...today. It's given to you...it's a gift. it's the only gift that you have right now...and the only appropriate response...is gratefulness."



for...
**this gift called life

**this gift called love

**the skies...i am amazed by them every single day right now and i don't know how i've missed this for 29 years...(actually saw a rainbow on my way home yesterday--and it hadn't been raining!)

**life being peaceful enough for me to be still...and think deeply again...and get to know myself again...i have missed me.

**our new apartment...it took a little convincing, i know, but i really do like it...

**"our" new apartment.

**the kiddos spending lots of time there...glad they feel it's home too

**noremak and ydnarb...we are gonna make millions! lol

**friends...who love and support no matter what. means a lot...

**my brother staying safe on his travels to/from his long-distance fiancee...

**good talks with friends who make me laugh...hard (i'll call it "Can You Trust a Sneaky Heffa?" lmao...no ma'am)

**the outdoor opportunities that come with the cooler weather...mt. bonnell, wildlife preserve, town lake, barton springs, botanical gardens, here i come...

**the 2 opposing yet complimentary phenomena happening for me at the same time--choosing to use my voice more...and choosing to use it less. sounds strange, but makes sense when you think in terms of the "choice" aspect, not the acts themselves.

**words that are coming for this one poem that i really want to be very good...they're coming...at their own pace, but they're coming...

**my alpha baby...she handles up so sweetly lol

**making a trip to get a load of my stuff from storage...i feel better now with more clothes to choose from

**how 'bout them cowboys? still didn't look like my boys of old, but they got the win on MNF and i was happy...

**watching MNF with my girl who was equally into it...with wings and beer. utopia anyone? lol

**being so open-minded...it's amazing the things people tell me...i love hearing about all different things...people truly intrigue me--on a deep level

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...

**"working" from home...spending the day together

**the coffeemaker is back in action and we are both so excited! lol

**the beauty that is her--unique in so many ways...i know her well...yet believe i will still be learning her every single day...and i love that process--so much to her, so much beauty to behold.

**"you two just fit...it's so obvious just by looking at you both"...thank you.

**you doing the hard work to make it/you better...the reading, the counselor (even if she is grandma moses, lol), the talking, the blogging...i'm so very proud of you.

**reconnecting with friends...thanks for your encouragement love...

**getting more in touch with that "other" side of me...it's there...i may as well admit it and embrace it...cause i actually kinda like it. sugary sweet has its place but uhh....lol :)

**home sweet home.


don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

She WOWS me...

You are the woman who defines beauty.
You are the beauty who defines woman.
You.
Are.
Everything.