THE POWERS...OF AUSTIN.

GRATEFUL:

**life. love. being alive. being in love. living. loving.

**that you would...even if you brushed your teeth afterwards, lol.

**the new(est) look...starting over--being born--want something new...

**our birthday...July 24, 2009.

**my little Godzilla's 3rd birthday...wow she's growing up fast.  Happy birthday baby...I miss you.

**my friends...showing themselves...

**knowing you're just an outstretched arm away...

**my trust in the process...your trust in me...my trust in myself

**that my inbox on yahoo has somehow been completely emptied...as in 0 messages (new or old). this could be a bad thing, but hey--maybe it's just more of that purging and starting over. one quarter of me wants to freak out a little bit, but the other 3/4 says there's nothing i can do about it now except change my password and move forward....so i shall.

**little blessings that seem to come out of nowhere...i truly believe i have a guardian angel.

**my godson missing me when i'm not there...

**remaining calm, cool, and collected...it's the only way to fly.

**best friends.

**the way you know me...scary, a little...amazing, a lot.

**a heartfelt email to us both...we felt it and we appreciate it more than you know. thank you ma'am...

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...and seeing them more often.

**communication...

**"i am not oblivious to the fact that i am...odd." LOL

**us being odd together...makes for an incredibly dynamic duo don't ya think?

**my Texas Power family...miss you already.

**you. in every, single way...you.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

FOR IT ALL...

GRATEFUL FOR:

**higher power...being blessed enough to be here...being blessed enough to have all of THIS while i am here..

**safety...with all the change a'brewin, it's nice to feel the safety that lies in you...you...and you.

**our tough, but open and honest convo today...you know i think the world of you--always have, always will. just gotta lay it out there no-holds-barred now though...yeah, it's like that. thank you for understanding...thank you for wanting the essence more than the ego.

**the most perfect hair i've ever seen...i may never get used to it. (no, not my own lol)

**friends with open doors...and tasty dinners...and coffee in the morning...and great conversation. i'm blessed...

**a love that we both still can't quite believe is real sometimes...and having to (literally) pinch each other to prove that it is...hurts so good. lol

**taco bueno...oh how i'll miss you. lol

**knowing that whenever this nomad blows back into town, there's always multiple somewheres to land...again, i am blessed.

**one last time...and oh what a time it was. our treetop hideaway will always be where it began...but time to make new memories.

**the best surprise dinner date i ever had...you made me smile...big.

**my friend/coworker/mentor...for loving me, forgiving me (and michelle, lol), and being happy for me

**you...for calling me. i am here..and you know i understand.

**how my dad goes with the flow...dropped a lot on him today...he took it all in stride as always...nevermind that he may have no real idea what i've said--doesn't "tune in" very well...but makes those tough convos a lot easier on me. lol

**her (their) confidence that she (they) can love and treat me (us) better than anyone else could...when a woman is that confident that she can/will treat you better than anyone else, she's usually right...

**your help to make one of her dreams a reality...i see so much in her, and i know she'll be so successful...thank you for your belief in her as well, and your willingness (and eagerness) and jump on board and help out...you're the best! i WILL get you that name...and soon. lol

**gin...even though you treated me bad that one night--i'll blame it on the fried rice. lol

**waking up to another party scene...even though it was just the 2 of us hahaha

**my brother, his fiancee, AND my baby sister coming to spend the night...had a great time and great conversation...

**peeping tinas (as opposed to toms)...makes me laugh

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...

**JTK...really starting to settle into my heart--for real...and for the convo with the middle where i told her so....aww. lol

**the mirror...thank you...i needed it...and you knew that...and i didn't react very well...thank you for doing it anyway...and forgiving me...ahh, we are so good for one another.

**for being done and realizing what that actually means.

**for this journey...step 1 is complete...step 2 is saturday morning...and the r(b)est is yet to come...i am so looking forward to it...i know some don't understand, and that's ok...just watch me do me...and watch me smile...and if you love me, that'll be all that matters to you.

**for the way my heart beats your name...can you hear it? here, let me come closer...

**saturday.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

I love this...the first paragraph having special significance in my life right now...the entire thing having great significance in my life as a whole...

"Why not let people differ about their answers to the great mysteries of the Universe? Let each seek one's own way to the highest, to one's own sense of supreme loyalty in life, one's ideal of life. Let each philosophy, each world-view bring forth its truth and beauty to a larger perspective, that people may grow in vision, stature and dedication.

The religions of humanity should be a unifying force, for all the great religions reveal a basic unity in ethics. Whether it be Judaism, Catholicism, Protestantism, Buddhism or Confucianism, all grow out of a sense of the sacredness of human life. This moral sensitivity to the sacredness of human personality -- the Commandments not to kill, not to hurt, not to put a stumbling block in the path of the blind, not to neglect the widow or the fatherless, not to exploit the servant or the worker -- all this can be found in the Bibles of humanity, in all the sacred books. All teach in substance: "Do unto others as you would that others should do unto you." There is, then, a basic unity among the great religions in the matter of ethics. True, there are religious philosophies which turn people away from the world, from the here and now, concentrating life-purposes on salvation for one's self or a mystic union with some supernatural reality. But most of the great religions agree on mercy, justice, love -- here on earth. And they agree that the great task is to move people from apathy, from an acceptance of the evils in life, to face the possibilities of the world, to make life sweet for one another instead of bitter. This is the unifying ethical task of all the religions -- yes, of all the philosophies of humankind. There is no need to force our own theological points of view upon one another or to insist that the moral life grows out of final, absolute authority."

--Algernon Black

Just Watching...

i watch you sleep...
unsure how i went the first 29 years without ever seeing anything so beautiful,
yet sure i never did...
hair creating a halo appropriate for the angel that you are...
ringlets draped across smooth cheeks, landing softly on the nape of your neck
eyes wide shut...giving my heart the momentary breather it needs after being taken by them all day long...
lips perched in a butterfly kiss...as if waiting for me to give them flight...
so i do...
and you awaken for a moment and ask me if this is a dream...
i smile at you
for you ask of me what i have asked of myself a thousand times...
but i find a way to add words to my smile and tell you that
this...
is a dream...
come true.
now go back to sleep baby...your dreams are waiting for you...
and when you wake up,
i...
we...
will still be your reality.

-b

JUST TALKIN'...

Had a request for a "regular" blog entry...specifically "one where I can just see how your mind works...about anything is fine...I like those".

Hmmm...ok. I don't have anything specific to go into right now so I guess this will be random thoughts by B...lol Sounds sickeningly similar to Michelle's recent "random rants" so I'm trying not to be a copy-cat...but I gotta give the people what they want....lol.

...i started a longer blog about this subject, but never finished it so i'll just mention it here. but i am not at all happy with the fact that on the Twista song, "Wetter", one of the radio stations here blocks out the term "wet" each time the female voice on the hook says "I done been wet, but i can get wetter". BUT...when HE says it, it's not blocked out. I believe he says it 2-3 times during the song (at least). Wonder why it is that a female saying she's wet is censored, but a man telling her he's going to get her wet is not. Seems someone has a problem with that type of empowerment...that she can take ownership of her sexuality that way--that she can talk about it, and demand what she wants out of him. But it's ok for him to tell her what he's going to do TO her. No. Don't like it. One bit.

...shout out to Baby Beauty's boyfriend (that's a tongue-twister) for recognizing the same thing when the song came on in the car. He's 18-years old and I had never mentioned it to him before--he noticed, and disapproved, on his own...ahh, there is hope for the future :)

...i had a friend tell me something today--and she was a bit hesitant to do so, but i'm glad she did it anyway. she told me that she knows i gave everything i had in my marriage, and that she wanted me to know that i didn't fail. she said that in the book she's been reading about marriage and spirituality, etc it said that even when you give your all sometimes, the marriage may still fail, but that you haven't failed...and that you will be rewarded for what you gave. She said she believes Michelle is my reward because she sees that Michelle really LOVES (she used caps, so i will too) me. My reward...yes, I must agree. Got me thinking (and she and I to talking)...it was something that I needed to hear more than i or she realized. i do struggle with feelings of failure sometimes--not as much lately, but it still lingers sometimes...because I have such strong views on marriage and commitment...i do struggle with the fact that my marriage didn't work out. i do the things to myself that i shouldn't..."it wasn't even 6 months into the marriage before...." or "we didn't even make it to one year"...i never look back in regret--i know the right decisions were made...but sometimes i feel weird still talking about my feelings on marriage and commitment knowing what i have on my own "record". but the truth is that i still believe in marriage and lifelong commitment. i wasn't sure i did for a second, but that was just the hurt taking over. but once those layers were peeled back gently (by the sweet nugdings of the butterfly), i could see how much i still believe. and i still believe that i am made to love one woman with all that i have...for as long as i have. And i have finally found her...she has been here all along...we have been here along...and that's why this doesn't feel new. All the "getting to know you" that happens during most people's first few months, has happened for us over the course of 5 years...and there were times it got deep--we've always known each other deeply...either because of what we shared verbally, or because we shared experiences--we have so much in common. So...coming out of what I believed at the time to be a failure on my part, into the most amazing and wonderful feelings of love, satisfaction, passion, and pure joy i've ever experienced...well yes, i must have been wrong--i must not have failed...i must have finally gotten it right.

...i love that my life is so fluid and dynamic, not static. contrary to what i just wrote about above, in other areas of my life, i like to be changing...moving...i've been called a gypsy and a nomad since i was 18. i'm sure there are people in my life who are wondering when i'm going to settle down and sit down somewhere...probably not gonna happen folks. especially now that i've found someone with an equally adventurous and sometimes restless spirit...a partner in my crime, so to speak. i know it bucks traditional notions of growing up, graduating, finding a career and staying in that until you retire. but let's be honest...there aint much that's traditional about me to begin with except my feelings on marriage--and those who know me, know that even within that there are many unconventional views...just traditional from the "marriage is for life" perspective. so i don't mind being unconventional...i believe in having a job, obviously--i believe in higher education--i may always be in school, lol...but i just don't feel like i have to be pinned down to any one thing if that's not what feels right or where my life is moving. Ahh, and here we go again...so many unknowns, so much anything-can-happen...and i'm cool...i'm loving it...cause i got all that i need already...the rest are just the details to make life full.

...i have great friends. truly...when i take the time to just sit and think about the real ones--the close ones--they are really some great people. and such a diverse group too...straight/gay/bisexual, younger/my age/older, with/out children, single/married/divorced/committed, black/white/puerto rican/biracial/colombian/, christian/buddhist/agnostic/jewish...and the list goes on and on...love the diversity...love my friends.

...i am deeply, deeply intrigued by people who are SO incredibly interested in my relationship right now. and i'm not just referring to the "anonymous"'s of the world...i'm referring even to those who feel very positively about it. so i don't mean this in a bad way--i'm not intrigued as in annoyed--just intrigued. i never expected to get such a response--for it to be such a topic of conversation all the time...i mean in some ways i get it--this is so different...i am so different...that for those who know me well, it's a big deal and they want to talk about the differences they see in me. then there's the group who don't have any real reason for being so interested--no real ties to either of us emotionally--yet for some reason our story interests them and they want/need to "keep up"--like a soap opera or reality show. and then of course there are those who are/were connected to us at some point, but unlike the first category, they are not so happy about this...but i suppose are gluttons for punishment and can't stop watching it anyway--like a trainwreck. when i break it down this way, i realize that all of these are normal human responses...but as the recipient, taken as a whole, it can be very intriguing to be center stage while you're experiencing some of the most intense emotions and changes in your lifetime. oh well...the beauty is that i know people wouldn't still be so tuned in if we weren't giving them a damn good show...and we are...and there's no acting, all authentic--this is reality tv at its purest. again, for those with GOOD intentions, don't take this to mean that you can't talk to me about "us" anymore--i don't mind it at all, and in fact, i like the acknowledgement that you see how wonderful "us" and "she" are...again, i just didn't expect all of this...

...ok i've said a mouthful and since i'm at work and have been writing in fits and starts, i really don't know comprehensibly what i've written so i better stop, lol

for now...don't forget to smile :)

-B

BACK ON SCHEDULE...

Grateful for:

**the ways i have been blessed...it's almost overwhelming sometimes.

**summer 2009...(ex: see photo)

**my leap(s) of faith and the love and support of those who love me--you all deserve to know how much that means to me...

**feeling enough for her to miss her this much (trying to turn a negative into a positive here, work with me-lol)

**another week...this time with baby beauty along for the ride--so glad she came...

**my bosses...both of them love me so much and i don't know why, but i know it's a wonderful thing. thank you deb, especially, for your love and support unconditionally--i love you to death...

**caution to the wind...walking by faith...living for today...living life to the fullest...yeah...ALL of that...i'm sure i should be scared, but that's not really my style...instead i'm just damn happy and excited...

**the mask coming off and seeing for sure who was underneath...not a pretty sight...but glad it's all out there now and true colors revealed...ugh.

**rigging up the problems with my car enough to use the money for other pressing things, at least for now...

**the fact that i realized this morning as i looked around my apartment...i don't have much stuff...at all...and i like it. been a packrat most of my life but have grown into quite the minimalist and i love it...especially helpful since i'm somewhat of a nomad...

**my heat rash (still from the beach!) is starting to go away...though it's itching like crazy right now

**slow mornings at work that give me a chance to handle my business early in the day and get motivated and on a roll before the afternoon tiredness hits...

**that the kiddos are good with the planned arrangements--makes me very happy...all falling into place and i have faith it will continue...

**she says i'm green when you're here, and i'm brown when you're not...and she's right...

**friends who have freely opened their arms and homes if i need/want them...with no strings attached--just want to make this as stress-free as possible for me...thank you.

**browns...greens...forests...eyes...yeah.

**trading treetops for roots...i can dig it.

**time with both my families combined...we all had a great time..ahh, teenage girls--glad we cleared that up...and everyone agreeing we should do it again soon...

**my moment of utopia under the diving board...encircled and getting kisses from all 3 of my ladies, lol

**doing what you thought i wouldn't...just to make sure you know i'm serious--don't f*ck with her again. (this one can be generic as well for anyone else who might have plans to play with fire...)

**actually remaining very happy and upbeat in spite of the posts (and lines in grateful lists) that show that i was clearly pissed off and had to exercise that "other side" of myself...i'm sorry to those who were a bit thrown off by having to see me in that mode, but unfortunately there are people out there who mistake my sweetness for weakness and sometimes, just gotta clear up that misconception--but it's handled now...and you all have your gentle giant back...hahaha

**decisions made...progress...movement toward what is desired--that's living to me...

**kitten giggles...

**the way you dote...it's new for me--particularly when it's for the right reasons...but i'm learning to receive it...and i appreciate it

**sunshine...sometimes ya make me feel all warm and sh*t, lol

**both my best friends having major tooth surgeries this summer--not grateful for that exactly, but grateful they won't be in pain anymore afterwards...tooth pain aint no joke!

**when the little one jumped up to greet me with a hug and a high-pitched "brandy!!" when i got home from work...i could see our future then...all of ours...and it was so beautiful.

**finally opening the floodgates a little...so many times my love for you has taken me there on the inside, but it was finally too much to contain--even though i still tried.

**our unwillingness to keep saying goodbye...and actually doing something about it...

**our strength...not letting any of the madness that surrounded us become a problem FOR us--it was us against the problem, never us against each other...another sign of a great couple

**blessings disguised as disappointments--i am grateful for my ability to see through the disguise...one of my favorite qualities.

**michellesarahtoyakatieericmomdadbrandikimt.rhondajessicataylorkamerondebjessicag.kimh.jevonjocelynchuckydianajannethalysiamisty

**you. you're everything you think you are...and more than you may ever truly realize, but damnit i'll die trying.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

LATE...BUT RIGHT ON TIME...

grateful:

**for the blessings in my life which truly make me feel i have nothing to complain about--thank You.

**for beach trips and "all of us" time...the brady bunch family vacation...lol

**for safe trips with 7 strong in the impala (safe because of the road, and that no one killed each other being in such close proximity, lol)

**for my family having a great time in Miami being a part of a very special experience for my baby sister--so proud of you kate.

**for you always asking about her...glad you know she's permanent.

**you too...i know it's tough on you in some ways, but thank you for your love, support, and heartfelt enthusiasm--you are a true definition of friend.

**welcome to my world, CVD...lol...it's a mofo aint it??

**my kitten...

**creating a new language only we understand...but we understand it well. (4Life, lol)...

**for baby beauty asking me, "if you met bob marley and could say one word to him, what would it be? what about one sentence?"...that was kinda deep...

**for 1-1 conversation with her oldest...who wanted to tell me how happy and comfortable i make her mom...and how happy that makes her...wow.

**the way our lives tend to parallel in some important ways (like now, for instance)--it's nice for us both to have someone who "gets it" in ways that others may not...

**those browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...yes, still...always...

**decisions, decisions, decisions...

**COMMUNICATION (i'm not yelling, just really, really grateful-lol)...

**NYLO...finally living up to its potential...wheww.

**a little bit of 1-1 time with my lil kamburger--love that kid, man.

**the winds of change a'blowin...(and no kim, it's not gas, lol)...

**IP addresses and friends in very helpful places....gotcha.

**ingenuity, resourcefulness, and a willingness to just try it myself...and the help of a coworker--a pen and a sharpie can do big things--even on a car. lol

**this love...i am still so ridiculously happy...and the shit aint going away...

**the amazing things you said to me on that balcony...your "karma incarnate"...i have no words.

**you asking me to be your love mentor...i am honored.

**seeing my friend brandi and meeting her great husband--we really enjoyed ourselves and look forward to hanging out for "grownup time" again soon...

**you meshing/merging so well with my friends and family...i knew that you would--still nice to see it in action...knew they'd love you.

**you...in that orange dress. wow.

**that she wears flowers in her hair for me...

**the fact that we missed each other when i returned to work...ahh, this is the good life.

**my mom...for thinking i'm the greatest, even when i know i'm not...

**my brother...just love that dude.

**for the love of a woman who is everything that is real, and good, and right in this world...and the fact that i can feel the same love from her in every touch, smile, and look. my heart is full.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

DEAR ANONYMOUS...

GOTCHA...
LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

TGIF...

Thanks for calling me out Brandi...I hadn't forgotten, but the reminder is always appreciated...especially when there are other things going on...

grateful for:

**grateful lists themselves and how they remind me of everything that's good in my world...

**anonymous...oh i'm going to have fun with you--you have no idea.

**a love so amazing that it brings out the very worst in the haters...doesn't sound fancy but think about it...

**my friend Jessica getting married this Sunday to the man of her dreams...I know you two will have a great life together!

**unlimited text messages (and the crowd goes wild!!!)

**people...they sure are interesting...can't even get that mad at 'em...issues, issues, issues...

**home-cooked meals...delicious...seriously.

**another week...

**beach trip in one week--can't wait to see you brandi...and can't wait for the "all of us time"--it's party time kiddos! lol

**your baby turning 15...the way he loves his mama is amazing...

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...can i swing from your branches?

**tito's, sky, seagram's, and that sexy black cat...nice one.

**getting to attend meditation last Sunday...it was great

**baseball game this Sunday--going to be fun

**so many "firsts" and important shared experiences already...

**a full life...i am deeply sad for those who don't have enough going on in their own existence--the world/life they've created for themselves--to stay focused on it and enjoy it...but instead lead such empty lives that they have the time to give so much time, thought, and energy to other people's...so blessed and grateful not to be a part of THAT club...

**zicam...i might possibly be becoming a bit TOO fond of it, and that's not good...but these days it's the only way i can breathe--this sinus infection is for the birds!

**people showing their true colors...whoever "anonymous" is, i assume you are no longer a major part of my/her/our life (if you ever were)...and for that, i am SO grateful, and clearly you never deserved to be there...

**her laugh/giggle...the reason i would be devastated if i lost my ability to hear...

**my sister in Miami for the Junior Olympics for the next week...i am so proud of her!

**for the way that YOU love ME...it's amazing to me...

**my brother and i talking/texting, etc more...i love that boy.

**treetop love and butterfly kisses...never can get enough...

**so much time spent "just being"...

**the popeye face...seriously makes me crack up every single time...

**the fact that those who really know us and love us can easily see it in our eyes...BOTH of ours.

**for a saturday off to do nothing but be with you and do what we want, when we want...

**for my life...i am truly blessed.

**for you, Michelle. i love you so much--no need to be metaphorical about that one.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

A WORD TO THE (UN)WISE...

Be careful. I am not who you may think I am. And I have ways of finding things out...and my guess is that you know that. My advice is to do yourself the favor of being content with the damage you have already done...it's already going to take an army to keep me off your ass when I get confirmation. Step lightly...for I feel like a minefield.

IMPROVEMENT V. GROWTH

There's a difference between improvement and growth...at least in my own mind.

I was asked several times over a particular period in my life why I stayed in the situation I was in...or in reverse, why I didn't leave or give up on it. My answer was always that I saw improvement. And I thought that was enough. I didn't realize at the time that while seeing improvement can certainly be a good thing, it is not the same as seeing growth...and by extension...improving is not the same as growing.

To improve upon something is "to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition"...

To grow is "to arise or issue as a natural development from an original happening, circumstance, or source"...

It's the nature part that makes the difference. There is a vast difference between bringing something into a more desirable condition--improving...and actually have a natural development--growing.

One can improve without growing. One cannot typically grow without also improving. Although I must say I've seen several examples of someone growing and those around them not seeing it as an improvement. However, in almost all of those cases, it wasn't that the person didn't actually improve, it was that the people in their lives preferred them the old way...didn't want them "outgrowing" the friendship/relationship, or just didn't want things to change.

Improvement is something that one can "put on"...it's a conscious act of changing a particular action or behavior for the better...(ment) of the relationship or the people's perception of the person. Growth, by contrast, occurs naturally...it cannot be forced, cannot be faked..and most importantly, it doesn't go away. It is possible for one to improve upon something temporarily...to get better at it but only for a certain period of time. Once we have attained growth in a particular area, this won't go away. We may stumble or have setbacks, but those are easily overcome. If we have too many, or find it too difficult to overcome, chances are we've actually improved, not grown.

Because of its illusive and potentially fleeting nature, I have learned that in a relationship, it is not enough to look merely for improvement in the "deal breaker" areas, but we must instead see growth. I still firmly believe in "staying"...I believe in being committed and loyal and strong and not running at the first sign of trouble. I just also believe that if you're constantly being hurt by something in your relationship or friendship and your answer to why you continue to stay through that thing is that you see improvement, but are never able to truly say that you see growth, that's a problem (aside from the more obvious fact that if people are constantly asking you why you stay, that may already indicate a problem...or at least a major concern...but hey, some people are slower than others...bless us.) On the flip side, I think that I could stay through just about anything (but dishonesty) in a relationship if I could truly say I saw growth. Growth is not the cure-all...it has stages...saying you see growth doesn't mean the problem has been solved, it just means that you see a natural development in that area...something that is ingrained in that person...something that's not being done simply as a conscious effort to "show" you or to alter your perceptions.

I have a picture frame in my bathroom that says "Grow" and has a dried yellow rose inside instead of a picture. I have had it for many years and even though I'm no longer in contact with the person who gave it to me, I've never been able to let it go...it's one of my favorite things. I finally understand why...

Improve your sports skills...your job-performance skills...your money-management techniques...but

Grow...yourself. Grow...your relationships. And I will do the same...

-B

SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND...

This is a throwback blog from the archives...this was written 3 years and 3 months ago...amazing proof that sometimes in life, we truly do get exactly what we ask for...even if we have to exercise extreme patience to do so...check out who tagged me to do it in the first place...coincidence? maybe. maybe not.

Since I was tagged by Michelle and then by Sarah, that pretty much means I better get on the ball with this....

So the deal is that I am supposed to list and explain
10 qualities of my perfect lover/mate...

1. honesty i could really just stop at this one...it's that important to me. it's important that you never ask for something in a relationship that you are not also willing to give. i give it. and i fully expect it. for me, i love so hard and deeply that once that level of love is there, there is nothing we can't work through, as long as it was brought to me honestly.

2. challenge i love to be challenged. and i think sometimes in relationships people are afraid to challenge the ones that they love. this most often happens, in my personal opinion, because the person does not believe in themselves enough to truly push another. you have to have enough confidence in yourself to feel like you have the "right" to push another. push me...push me past my comfort zones, push me past my limits, push me past my patience threshold (although i'll admit that one is hard cause i have patience for days)...just push me. an ideal mate will make me a better person along our journey--tell me when i act up, challenge me to learn more, think more, be more.

3. passion i am a passionate person...particularly about people. and my ideal mate would also be passionate...about the relationship, about me, about our love life, as well as about the other things in their life that drive them or bring them joy. passion is so important to me....to feeling alive, to feeling like the relationship is alive...what Michelle said in hers about passion, I would just like to ditto and save us all some time and space. :o) Also, someone very close to me once said, "a person without passion is dying inside...only waiting for the outside to catch up"...couldn't agree more.

4. laughter i know love is supposed to be "serious" and "romantic" and all that jazz...but laughter is something i just can't live without. not so much that nothing is taken seriously, but i do love a woman who can be silly and let loose...goofiness and silliness are sexy to me when coupled with the other good stuff.

5. intelligence not only is this important for obvious reasons, it is sexy as hell...i'll just be real about it. and let me be clear that when i say intelligent i don't mean smart. i don't mean a 4.0 gpa...cause that could just mean you work hard (which is a great quality in itself, but not what i'm talking about here)...by intelligence i mean an ability to think on a level that most others do not. i mean asking the non-obvious questions and seeking the non-obvious answers. intelligence, to me, is a unique way of thinking--a higher level than most achieve. true intelligence is far more rare than one might think judging by how often the term is used as a descriptor.

6. communication now's a good time to state that these are in no particular order...because if so, this would have been #2 behind honesty. ahh...what to say about communication? it is an absolute must-have criteria...or at least a willing-to-work-hard-to-constantly-improve-it criteria...so much more can be accomplished and understood in a relationship when so much less goes unsaid. speak. be heard. listen. hear. open your mouth and say something. close your mouth and hear something.

7. desire to grow/change just as i want someone who challenges me, i also want someone who wants to be challenged. someone who sees their shortcomings not as failures or embarrassments, but as opportunities for growth. someone who allows me the space to say that i am unhappy with something they have done or something in the relationship...and want to fix what's broken, not take it as a personal attack. someone who desires to be told when they are not stepping up to the plate and doing all they can to chase their dreams or get what they desire or deserve in a given situation. basically, someone who is strong enough to want someone strong by their side and not feel threatened.

8. open-minded i am an open-minded individual and my ideal partner is as well. open to new ideas, new possibilities, and all types of people from all walks of life. i like to be around people who are different enough from me that i can learn something...anything....from my interaction with them. i just want someone who won't think my friends are "weird" or that isn't so stuck in routine and what's comfortable that they aren't willing to go new places and try new things.

9. selfless selfish people suck. plain and simple. and self-centered people (yes, there is a MAJOR difference)....well, i have a tendency to attract them in my life...don't know what it is about me. so i've learned to deal with them, maneuver with them (not yet around them), and coexist. but my perfect mate would not be selfish, for sure, nor self-centered( in general, and specifically when it comes to me). and i actually don't ask for much on this one....just give a damn about what's going on with me, just because you do, not because i'm telling you about it and you feel obligated to listen....and while we're at it...listen....don't just wait for your turn to speak...don't form your responses or retorts in your head while i am still talking....don't respond to a long story i just told you about how i feel about something with something about you...you know, the simple things....or at least it seems pretty simple to me....just give a damn and show it.

10. physical attraction well i guess i am the only vain one here...or at least the only one who's going to say that which has not been spoken. :o) but it did say "perfect", did it not? those who know me know that i am not vain. but i will be honest and say that my "perfect" lover or mate would be physically attractive...sorry about it, but it's the cold, hard truth folks! now, on the flipside, this can be accomplished in SO many ways...it can be in your eyes--their depth or unique color or the way they can say things to me without you ever opening your mouth (oh sorry, got carried away on one particular pair i once saw)...it can be in your smile--the ability to show me your sweetness through your smile is extremely attractive....it can be in your walk, your talk, your hair, your smell, your touch...legs....well anyway, you catch my drift--physical attraction for me comes in different shapes and forms...i have an eye for beauty, love beautiful things and love to admire physically beautiful people. So it only makes sense to me that my perfect lover/mate would possess one or more of these qualities.

AN ATTEMPT...

...to put my gratitude into words (2 weeks worth)...so bare with me...



for:

**you...in my space...and making it ourspace...

** "she is so warm"..."nice to feel that kind of love in a room"..."hugs..."--my mom

**viva Las Vegas...where to even begin?? zumanity, "becky/christina, aint she fine?", bathroom girl, diego, m&m world, thief, nyny, walking the green mile, 1983, window smudges, something new, and uhh...that other thing--you know the one.

**candlelight, drinks, and games...

**my ass finally catching on to the fact that you can make more than one word at a time in scrabble...my score thanks me for that...still haven't beaten the queen yet though...

**UNO...where my self-esteem is reborn hahaha

**rummy...where we BOTH can be winners, lol

**spending the day with my friend last sunday...it was nice...and so is your spot. invite me back soon...please.

**last week's storm...zeus got what she conjured up, lol

**my brother and his fiance coming to spend the night with me tonight, ahh quality time...

**Italian chicken...oh man i shouldn't have said it, now i can taste it and i want some! You hit that out of the park my love...

**central market and green chile chicken soup that made ya SO happy...

**hanging out with my family...she included...i was in heaven...

**oxygen bars and electromagnetic massages...it was weird, but nice lol

**my ability to be resourceful and get my schedule/situation laid out so i can spend time where i want, even if it takes effort or maneuvering--never giving up...somehow things tend to fall in place, and yes, i do tend to help them along...lol

** "baby"....no words.

**still finding hidden cards...you are good.

**polka dot thong, pink pasties, and slings...you are both sworn to secrecy about the details, lmao

**summer school being over for me soon...and having a month and a half of a real break from school...love it, but need it.

**the beach...coming soon

**waking up to heaven 9 times in a row...great number.

**trading inhibitions for comfort...it's safe here.

**yo' fffface. lmao

**my potatoes...if i can make YOU ask for something that I cook by request...oh yeah, i'm grateful lol

**demi and ashton...and kolaches for bruce

**sparkling promises...

**baby beauty's hard work paying off...hope she gets that cell phone now...

**her first paycheck...and not blowing it, lol

**him...he is just so dang cute...killa kam, killa kam

**going swimming...fun...and of course interesting

**fruity pebbles, cheeze nips (you need to get some cheese-its in ya life! lol), 12 different juices, tito's, gin, rasberry chipotle sauce, and whatever else we could scrape up in this bachelor pad, lol...

**2 toothbrushes in the holder...nice.

**you liking the view just as much as i do...looking out and seeing nothing but sky and treetops is so nice...

**friends who are so happy for us and who tell us with detail and regularity--you'll never know how much it means to each and to both...of us.

**myra.

**the life my heart is leading...never knew THIS kinda love was in the cards...but I'm loving playing the hand...every single day.

**you. in every possible way...you.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

again. still. finally. now. then. always. have. will. do.

CHOMPING AT THE BIT...

You know your life has taken an excellent turn when you actually have to hold yourself at bay each week to wait to do your grateful list...been waiting all week for Wednesday...so here we go...

grateful...

**that God gives us not what we deserve, but what (s)he wants us to have...

**for you...

**for knowing myself and what i need...still no tv...need more time to take in the dissapation of noise, chaos and distraction from thoughts/feelings/growth...

**for drops of jupiter...that song has found its way back to my list in a big way...i love it.

**for AT&T finally getting it together...made me happier than i anticipated...ridiculous smile...

**for my summer research assistantship...i'll be researching slavery and the law on a project involving a slave woman in galveston who had a 30-year relationship with her master and the subsequent legalities when he died and freed her in his will, leaving his estate to her...exciting.

**for our corner in the hallway at my job...my footprints are on the wall so i've marked our territory...

**john mayer...that boy is damn good at what he does--seriously...he is underrated in my opinion...i really, really dig him...

--your body is a wonderland --gravity --slowdancing in a burning room --in repair

**for "embarass the universe"...i am extremely impressed...

**for the way those two center strands of curls criss-cross each other and trace her face--falling across her right eye and landing lightly on her lips when i cannot be there to do so...

**for having great ways to pass my time at work...especially since the last 2 of my peeps that i actually talk to are leaving....i'll miss ya ben and erin (still miss you boys--keaton and daniel)...

**happy birthday Desi...you are still my little princess and i miss you--very much.

**for best friends...relationships that are sometimes difficult for others to understand...and for not caring about that at all...

**for G3...missed you...

**for picking up the phone and making things clear...we do it our way--we always have...always will...

**for archives...sometimes the best way to understand where you are is to remember/understand where you've been...

**for no filters...give it to ya straight, no chase...

**for our first trip coming up in about a week...can't wait...

**for being told "you taught me how to love" by my baby brother after he proposed and got engaged...meant a lot to me...

**for people experiencing me differently...and liking it...

**for you being a good enough friend not to say "i told you so"...but for me being honest enough to admit that you did...you were right, and thank you for trying....had to learn on my own, albeit the hard way...but i've learned...

**that those lessons help me recognize what i've got now...amazing, it is...you are.

**walking through the halls, opening doors...loving contents...all.

**for the happiness i feel...it knocks me off my feet everyday...

**for conversations that have pushed my boundaries and set huge new records...and loving every moment of it...

**for the browns and greens in the forests of her eyes...again...still...

**for grateful lists that could go on and on...

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

SPEAK FREELY...

There is great beauty in listening...i've always believed this. I am beginning to find that there is also beauty to be found in speaking...when your words are being heard...when your thoughts and ideas are sought after, encouraged, and appreciated...and when you are truly free to say whatever it is that you think or feel and know that you will not be judged, accused, or berated...something in you shifts, in all the right ways.

I tend to be in my head a LOT. In the past week, I've been told by two different people, "Mannn, you are QUIET" and "you do that a LOT" (in reference to thinking). Both these things are true...and will likely continue to be true...but also, i'm beginning to recognize the sound of my own voice a little more...i might even like it a little...but not too much..."those" people get on my nerves and always will. lol

it is an amazing feeling to have your words be treated with such care...being able to say what i like and don't like and have it remembered...being able to say what my views are and have them respected and not talked-over...and being able to express my feelings with words while not feeling that the vulnerability there will be taken advantage of...it's a beautiful thing.

while listening with attentiveness and no-judgment is one of the things i bring to the table, getting the same in return makes me want to continue to be better, in addition to being appreciative...so thank you...thank you for continuing to make me better...and for gentle reminders to just....speak freely.

--bRandy

A DAY LATE...BUT NOT A DOLLAR SHORT...

Grateful for...

**you.

**changes in plans and the ability to go with the flow...

**flexible profs who love me...

**jobs that allow me to do me for the most part...i have 2 really great bosses...

**your enthusiasm and support even in light of your own struggles and issues...methinks you were right about your future in-law lol

**a very worthy challenger...you are quite good...gotta pull all the tricks outta my hat to keep up, i see...i like...

**time with the fruits of your branches...they are SO amazing...such beautiful reflections of you...love those personalities--so unique, so free, so funny, so themselves and not afraid to be so...even with a stanky leg, lol

**my baby sister making the varsity volleyball team as a sophomore--they cut some juniors/seniors to make room for her...but then, she is a junior olympian :)

**finally being able to get what's on the inside...out...you beat me to the punch, but i've been at this for a long, long time...

**the fact that you beat me to the punch...and how you did so...*swoon* lol

**7-day return/exchange policies...and the fact that it's now been 9...oh well :)

**how excited the kolaches made him...it was unexpected, but cool...

**stealth/covert ops with my gang of little soldiers...j-boogie, kamburger, t-car, and bow wow..that's the crew i run with...they couldn't keep us from where we wanted to be...

**you making it in time to watch the colors of sunset with me...

**cafepress.com....that was a fun game...thank goodness it was going too fast for me to actually purchase anything...though there are a few i might have to get back at...

**baby beauty helping me "get points"...made me smile

**everyone seeing the difference...

**friends who show their excitement, love, and support...it means more than you know...

**for the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...

**for vulnerability and trust...wow.

**for loving you...

**for learning how you got to be you...

**for loving you more with each thing that i learn...

**for fruity pebbles, coffee, younger brothers, '57 chevys, RVs, etc...etc...etc...

**for my godson making the honor roll...i'm so proud of him

**for time with sunshine...it's nice to get double my pleasure, double my fun sometimes (mind OUT of the gutter people)...

**for 1 day of JUST US...been a long time coming...and i wouldn't have changed a thing...

**for this lifetime realities...screw the possibilities...

**dreams come true...literally.

**the state of my life right now...i am so grateful...truly...

**that you love me...

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

GRATEFUL IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT...

**Warning: this week's list is not for:**

1. those with a weak stomach...if you have a hard time with the mushy things, skip this week or refer to the post immediately preceding this one for a gift courtesy of the blog author (ebony, yours will be in pink, no worries, lol)

2. haters...

Actually...i take back #2...this one's actually my gift to ya...

**for the blues and mauves of sunset...a beautiful blend...

**for looking at the same world in a different way...like realizing how useful the period is as a punction mark--it really can communicate a lot...who knew??

**for the way that "i"s became "we"s..."mine" became "our"...and the passenger seat became "your side", lol

**for needing new tires...

**for patience being one of my virtues...

**for persistence being another...

**for the fact that the two aren't mutually exclusive...

**for her giggles...

**for my stylist--you're hired...

**for baby steps...and big girl steps...they both have their place...

**for my 2nd "whoa"....

**a.k.a.....for you in that dress...

**for the feeling that fate, destiny, ed mcmahon, texas lotto, a four-leaf clover, a griffin, AND a rabbit's foot all showed up at my door with balloons and a big ass check :)

**for my own personal griffin...

**the ease in being able to talk...the comfort in being listened to...

**our talk on saturday...

**the talk on tuesday...

**proof that my heart is alive and well...was touch-and-go there for a second...but i am definitely a believer...

**your appreciation of the little things...the big things...everything...

**(if you've made it this far without barfing, i commend you....but brace yourself--the ride gets bumpy from here...lol)

**for soft kisses...

**for eyes that see directly into me and that i have a real hard time looking away from....

**for hands in hair....

**for the electric shock--i actually felt it...

**for our conversation making me play peek-a-boo with my coworker, haha

**for extreme honesty...

**for extreme honesty...(so nice, i gotta say it twice)

**for being rendered speechless on the regular...

**for the fact that i'm not afraid to tell the world that you are mine and i am yours and that i am so blessed and lucky to have you...

**for "grateful" being an understatement at this point...

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...
--bRandy

COMING SOON...

Designer Barf Bags...get 'em while they're hot!!

I SEE YOUR TRUE COLORS...THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU...

When someone shows you that they're GREEN...do not be surprised when they don't turn out to be BLUE...

One of my favorite quotes is "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".  I like it so much because it is truth put so simply.  But as humans we are so quick to complicate what is really quite simple...We act so surprised when the people in our lives--both the major players and the supporting cast--do exactly as they've always (or at least mostly) done.  We allow ourselves the misery of shock and disgust when a liar lies.  We allow ourselves to waste time venting about the gossip who told our business.  And we allow our feelings to be hurt by the schoolyard bully who once again pretended to like us for a minute, only to pull our underwear up our asses and throw us in the trashcan the minute we let our guard down.

Liars lie.

Gossips tell your business....my business...and their own.

And bullies play possum until they smell an ounce of your weakness, fear, or vulnerability, and then they pounce.

But it's not that we need these life lessons--we all know these things.  In fact, many of us have taught children these things...

No, it's not about the knowing, it's about the remembering...and dammit if that part doesn't get us EVERY SINGLE TIME...

gots

ta

be 

more 

careful....

But it's not just the "bad" qualities that this applies to, it's also the good.  If someone shows you time and time again that they're honest, trust them.  Mind you, I said SHOWS you, not TELLS you...When someone shows you that no matter how much time or space is allowed to fill the gaps between you, they have your back ride or die...believe them.  

I wrote a blog very similar to this a long time ago, when this lesson first hit me.  Apparently it didn't hit me hard enough...apparently i needed to be knocked the hell out.  

And I was. And now I have truly learned this lesson...in a way that I'll never forget it again.  Whatever the specific traits in question, people WILL show themselves...you've just got to be paying attention.  They will show themselves many times...and when they show you time and time again that they are "green", you are doing NO ONE any favors by continuing to expect them to be "blue". For you, you're going to be perpetually disappointed.  For them, they're never going to feel truly loved or valued for just who they are--even if who they are (that trait in particular) is fucked up... if you're telling them you love them, they're expecting you to love the green in them...

not the green...

minus the  yellows...

to make them blue.

I am a firm believer that people evolve, they do not change.

Time, growth, maturity, and maybe even you,  may help them come around to being lime, neon, forest, pine, shamrock, emerald, or jade...but they will simply never be blue.

If blue is what you want, blue is out there...

probably waiting on someone who will love them for their blue and not expect them to be red...

blue is out there...

i am a believer. and i love the color blue.