A LITTLE BIT OF THIS...

AND A LITTLE BIT OF THAT...

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lying: the problem with it is that....scratch that...ONE OF the MANY problems with it is that it is virtually unstoppable...once you pop, you can't stop...unless you just come clean, but if you were brave enough to do that, you'd have done it in the first place, not when you're going to be in even deeper water for having lied to boot. i'm just sayin'...nobody ever claimed there wouldn't be consequences for being honest--i suffer the consequences of honesty all the time so i'm not trying to sugarcoat it and act like honesty is always FUN--but we're grownups...and as grownups, we are supposed to deal with life head-on...take it for what it really is in each moment...and yes, accept the consequences of our actions...not run and hide like a small child behind backwards words, bent symantics, and duplicity that'll make your head spin. I know, I know..."little white lies"--we all tell 'em..."i'm too sick to come to work today"..."no, your butt doesn't look big"...but we all know what i'm really talking about. deceiving another for your own gain or protection is truly the most selfish thing one can do to someone they love or care about.

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this song "it kills me" by melanie fiona....i'm torn. my gut reaction to it was very negative. she's singing about how she knows her man cheats, etc but she loves him and "who else is gonna hold me down". basically, a terrible message to teenage girls who are forming their ideas of love...terrible message for teenage boys who are forming their ideas of how to treat women...terrible message for grown men who already treat women like this.
on the other hand...
the song is so raw and so real. i am a firm believer that, like painters, poets, and novelists, recording artists should be free to sing/rap about what's real--in their lives or others--without the ridicule they currently take (thus i'm a fan of eminem and lil wayne where some of my closest friends are not)...but all of that's another topic for another time. my point is that based on how she sings this song, she's been there--that's real for her. or she's just that good and hasn't been there...but MANY women have and are. it's really a great song vocally and emotionally. you can feel the pain of someone in that position...and it's real...women experience that all the time and maybe for that group of women, this song says "you're not alone" (trying not to get the MJ song stuck in my head...resist...resist...lol). but really...all of us true music lovers love it because it speaks to us, because it can relate...and this song is no different. I'm quite sure that anyone who has felt what she's talking about feels this song on a deep level...and we all need that.

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ME--me and myself are becoming more and more reacquainted (and in some ways meeting for the first time) everyday...and i gotta say, i love it. this is so much fun. i'm turning 30 in 2 months and i refuse to go into that phase of my life (which is supposed to be one of the best) without being true to myself and without finally putting some value in myself and living from a place where i do value myself. this will cause some MAJOR shifts in a few things, probably for several people...but it's a good thing and only selfishness would allow them to see it any other way. It's also about living more consciously--a very important thing to me. Also about letting my true self shine thru--not always trying to please. And surprisingly enough, some of it even involves a return to some of the things about my personality that have been present over the last few years, but that put to the side or drastically changed because I just wanted EVERYTHING to be so different than what I had been dealing with. But the truth is that some of those things are me and need to be there, and some of the adjustments I’ve made are not as true to the real me. I was living from a place of fear…if any of the parts looked the same, I was afraid the whole might too. Not true.

There are aspects of pulling parts of me back into my walk, and then there are also brand new parts I’m adding to my walk…and those are the most exciting—they put the big smile on my face. I love the growth and learning I’m doing within me right now. Its not always obvious on my face maybe, but I’m pretty much constantly in thought and in an active process of growing and just settling into me. And I absolutely love it…mostly because it’s so real—all these things that are settling into my spirit (new or old) are so me…and therefore I know this is about the REAL me….i know this is stuff that I will just “BE”—as I was always supposed to…no fleeting thing(s)…I truly am being (re)born in some ways. Anywho…enough about me…let’s talk about you. lol

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YOU--you, the close people in my life are such a blessing. i have some truly unique folks who i can honestly say are rare finds...even if it's because they're crazy or some other trait many would consider less than desirable lol. i see the uniqueness in each of them and i love it...and them. and then there's the one...yes, THAT one...well she's the most unique of them all--the one i sometimes feel was God's attempt at a prototype...for she seems to have it all in there. I see pieces of her in others, yet have never seen pieces of others in her. Still a product of her past and her environment, yet the way that gets molded and shaped...it's not like the rest of us--she is her own beautiful brand...solamente...stands out in any crowd...and i will never believe that there is anyone else in the world like her.