I think it's important to sit and be very honest with ourselves...I think it can be equally important, at times, to be honest about ourselves...out loud. And so, with that, I will begin to periodically post "My Truths"...things I'm realizing or admitting or embracing about myself--some for the first time, others just for the first time out loud. (similar to Michelle's "Things I've Learned", but for me, not so much lessons as confessions to/of self)...
I ask only that if you are not someone who can, will, and does love me unconditionally, that you skip posts with this title--for I will be raw with who I am and I have the expectation of not being judged or feelings changed.
This is me...if you love me,
love me.
Love,
Me.
1. I no longer believe in "always" and "never"
and i'm so sad about that. if i'm saying them, i believe them. but if they are said to me, they really don't carry much weight anymore. some will say that it's the best thing that could have happened to me--to let go of believing in those words--they'll say it's smarter and safer not to--but i want(ed) to...the choice for me and how i want(ed) to live my life was to continue to believe in those words. I hadn't allowed myself to admit, to myself, that i don't anymore. Didn't want to be defeated--I've held onto "always" and "never" through a lot of things in life--and so i thought i always would. guess i got caught sleepin'...sucks to have to say that those words no longer have much affect on me unless i'm the one saying them. sucks badly.
2. I called it being "loyal to a fault"--which is ALSO true...but the other truth is that I did still love you through all of that--and i was afraid of what that truth said about me.
3. Sometimes my fierce loyalty is actually a built-in safeguard for its opposite--
a need/desire/inclinition
to run...to a safer place.
hmm...that was more difficult than i thought. which probably means it was even more necessary than i thought. ugh.
-b
I ask only that if you are not someone who can, will, and does love me unconditionally, that you skip posts with this title--for I will be raw with who I am and I have the expectation of not being judged or feelings changed.
This is me...if you love me,
love me.
Love,
Me.
1. I no longer believe in "always" and "never"
and i'm so sad about that. if i'm saying them, i believe them. but if they are said to me, they really don't carry much weight anymore. some will say that it's the best thing that could have happened to me--to let go of believing in those words--they'll say it's smarter and safer not to--but i want(ed) to...the choice for me and how i want(ed) to live my life was to continue to believe in those words. I hadn't allowed myself to admit, to myself, that i don't anymore. Didn't want to be defeated--I've held onto "always" and "never" through a lot of things in life--and so i thought i always would. guess i got caught sleepin'...sucks to have to say that those words no longer have much affect on me unless i'm the one saying them. sucks badly.
2. I called it being "loyal to a fault"--which is ALSO true...but the other truth is that I did still love you through all of that--and i was afraid of what that truth said about me.
3. Sometimes my fierce loyalty is actually a built-in safeguard for its opposite--
a need/desire/inclinition
to run...to a safer place.
hmm...that was more difficult than i thought. which probably means it was even more necessary than i thought. ugh.
-b
2 comments:
woah. That was intense... I can SO relate, especially to point #1. I love you! It hurts my heart to know that you are dissatisfied with this change, but I know that change happens for a reason. I pray that you will be able to find peace.
this is good...no matter how painful it can feel to you...part of letting go, lessons learned, part of healing and rediscovering you.
glad you did run to a safer place :)
and um, you better believe in the word "always" when i say it...or we gonna fight!!
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