IMPROVEMENT V. GROWTH

There's a difference between improvement and growth...at least in my own mind.

I was asked several times over a particular period in my life why I stayed in the situation I was in...or in reverse, why I didn't leave or give up on it. My answer was always that I saw improvement. And I thought that was enough. I didn't realize at the time that while seeing improvement can certainly be a good thing, it is not the same as seeing growth...and by extension...improving is not the same as growing.

To improve upon something is "to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition"...

To grow is "to arise or issue as a natural development from an original happening, circumstance, or source"...

It's the nature part that makes the difference. There is a vast difference between bringing something into a more desirable condition--improving...and actually have a natural development--growing.

One can improve without growing. One cannot typically grow without also improving. Although I must say I've seen several examples of someone growing and those around them not seeing it as an improvement. However, in almost all of those cases, it wasn't that the person didn't actually improve, it was that the people in their lives preferred them the old way...didn't want them "outgrowing" the friendship/relationship, or just didn't want things to change.

Improvement is something that one can "put on"...it's a conscious act of changing a particular action or behavior for the better...(ment) of the relationship or the people's perception of the person. Growth, by contrast, occurs naturally...it cannot be forced, cannot be faked..and most importantly, it doesn't go away. It is possible for one to improve upon something temporarily...to get better at it but only for a certain period of time. Once we have attained growth in a particular area, this won't go away. We may stumble or have setbacks, but those are easily overcome. If we have too many, or find it too difficult to overcome, chances are we've actually improved, not grown.

Because of its illusive and potentially fleeting nature, I have learned that in a relationship, it is not enough to look merely for improvement in the "deal breaker" areas, but we must instead see growth. I still firmly believe in "staying"...I believe in being committed and loyal and strong and not running at the first sign of trouble. I just also believe that if you're constantly being hurt by something in your relationship or friendship and your answer to why you continue to stay through that thing is that you see improvement, but are never able to truly say that you see growth, that's a problem (aside from the more obvious fact that if people are constantly asking you why you stay, that may already indicate a problem...or at least a major concern...but hey, some people are slower than others...bless us.) On the flip side, I think that I could stay through just about anything (but dishonesty) in a relationship if I could truly say I saw growth. Growth is not the cure-all...it has stages...saying you see growth doesn't mean the problem has been solved, it just means that you see a natural development in that area...something that is ingrained in that person...something that's not being done simply as a conscious effort to "show" you or to alter your perceptions.

I have a picture frame in my bathroom that says "Grow" and has a dried yellow rose inside instead of a picture. I have had it for many years and even though I'm no longer in contact with the person who gave it to me, I've never been able to let it go...it's one of my favorite things. I finally understand why...

Improve your sports skills...your job-performance skills...your money-management techniques...but

Grow...yourself. Grow...your relationships. And I will do the same...

-B