THE POWERS...OF AUSTIN.

GRATEFUL:

**life. love. being alive. being in love. living. loving.

**that you would...even if you brushed your teeth afterwards, lol.

**the new(est) look...starting over--being born--want something new...

**our birthday...July 24, 2009.

**my little Godzilla's 3rd birthday...wow she's growing up fast.  Happy birthday baby...I miss you.

**my friends...showing themselves...

**knowing you're just an outstretched arm away...

**my trust in the process...your trust in me...my trust in myself

**that my inbox on yahoo has somehow been completely emptied...as in 0 messages (new or old). this could be a bad thing, but hey--maybe it's just more of that purging and starting over. one quarter of me wants to freak out a little bit, but the other 3/4 says there's nothing i can do about it now except change my password and move forward....so i shall.

**little blessings that seem to come out of nowhere...i truly believe i have a guardian angel.

**my godson missing me when i'm not there...

**remaining calm, cool, and collected...it's the only way to fly.

**best friends.

**the way you know me...scary, a little...amazing, a lot.

**a heartfelt email to us both...we felt it and we appreciate it more than you know. thank you ma'am...

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...and seeing them more often.

**communication...

**"i am not oblivious to the fact that i am...odd." LOL

**us being odd together...makes for an incredibly dynamic duo don't ya think?

**my Texas Power family...miss you already.

**you. in every, single way...you.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

FOR IT ALL...

GRATEFUL FOR:

**higher power...being blessed enough to be here...being blessed enough to have all of THIS while i am here..

**safety...with all the change a'brewin, it's nice to feel the safety that lies in you...you...and you.

**our tough, but open and honest convo today...you know i think the world of you--always have, always will. just gotta lay it out there no-holds-barred now though...yeah, it's like that. thank you for understanding...thank you for wanting the essence more than the ego.

**the most perfect hair i've ever seen...i may never get used to it. (no, not my own lol)

**friends with open doors...and tasty dinners...and coffee in the morning...and great conversation. i'm blessed...

**a love that we both still can't quite believe is real sometimes...and having to (literally) pinch each other to prove that it is...hurts so good. lol

**taco bueno...oh how i'll miss you. lol

**knowing that whenever this nomad blows back into town, there's always multiple somewheres to land...again, i am blessed.

**one last time...and oh what a time it was. our treetop hideaway will always be where it began...but time to make new memories.

**the best surprise dinner date i ever had...you made me smile...big.

**my friend/coworker/mentor...for loving me, forgiving me (and michelle, lol), and being happy for me

**you...for calling me. i am here..and you know i understand.

**how my dad goes with the flow...dropped a lot on him today...he took it all in stride as always...nevermind that he may have no real idea what i've said--doesn't "tune in" very well...but makes those tough convos a lot easier on me. lol

**her (their) confidence that she (they) can love and treat me (us) better than anyone else could...when a woman is that confident that she can/will treat you better than anyone else, she's usually right...

**your help to make one of her dreams a reality...i see so much in her, and i know she'll be so successful...thank you for your belief in her as well, and your willingness (and eagerness) and jump on board and help out...you're the best! i WILL get you that name...and soon. lol

**gin...even though you treated me bad that one night--i'll blame it on the fried rice. lol

**waking up to another party scene...even though it was just the 2 of us hahaha

**my brother, his fiancee, AND my baby sister coming to spend the night...had a great time and great conversation...

**peeping tinas (as opposed to toms)...makes me laugh

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...

**JTK...really starting to settle into my heart--for real...and for the convo with the middle where i told her so....aww. lol

**the mirror...thank you...i needed it...and you knew that...and i didn't react very well...thank you for doing it anyway...and forgiving me...ahh, we are so good for one another.

**for being done and realizing what that actually means.

**for this journey...step 1 is complete...step 2 is saturday morning...and the r(b)est is yet to come...i am so looking forward to it...i know some don't understand, and that's ok...just watch me do me...and watch me smile...and if you love me, that'll be all that matters to you.

**for the way my heart beats your name...can you hear it? here, let me come closer...

**saturday.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

I love this...the first paragraph having special significance in my life right now...the entire thing having great significance in my life as a whole...

"Why not let people differ about their answers to the great mysteries of the Universe? Let each seek one's own way to the highest, to one's own sense of supreme loyalty in life, one's ideal of life. Let each philosophy, each world-view bring forth its truth and beauty to a larger perspective, that people may grow in vision, stature and dedication.

The religions of humanity should be a unifying force, for all the great religions reveal a basic unity in ethics. Whether it be Judaism, Catholicism, Protestantism, Buddhism or Confucianism, all grow out of a sense of the sacredness of human life. This moral sensitivity to the sacredness of human personality -- the Commandments not to kill, not to hurt, not to put a stumbling block in the path of the blind, not to neglect the widow or the fatherless, not to exploit the servant or the worker -- all this can be found in the Bibles of humanity, in all the sacred books. All teach in substance: "Do unto others as you would that others should do unto you." There is, then, a basic unity among the great religions in the matter of ethics. True, there are religious philosophies which turn people away from the world, from the here and now, concentrating life-purposes on salvation for one's self or a mystic union with some supernatural reality. But most of the great religions agree on mercy, justice, love -- here on earth. And they agree that the great task is to move people from apathy, from an acceptance of the evils in life, to face the possibilities of the world, to make life sweet for one another instead of bitter. This is the unifying ethical task of all the religions -- yes, of all the philosophies of humankind. There is no need to force our own theological points of view upon one another or to insist that the moral life grows out of final, absolute authority."

--Algernon Black

Just Watching...

i watch you sleep...
unsure how i went the first 29 years without ever seeing anything so beautiful,
yet sure i never did...
hair creating a halo appropriate for the angel that you are...
ringlets draped across smooth cheeks, landing softly on the nape of your neck
eyes wide shut...giving my heart the momentary breather it needs after being taken by them all day long...
lips perched in a butterfly kiss...as if waiting for me to give them flight...
so i do...
and you awaken for a moment and ask me if this is a dream...
i smile at you
for you ask of me what i have asked of myself a thousand times...
but i find a way to add words to my smile and tell you that
this...
is a dream...
come true.
now go back to sleep baby...your dreams are waiting for you...
and when you wake up,
i...
we...
will still be your reality.

-b

JUST TALKIN'...

Had a request for a "regular" blog entry...specifically "one where I can just see how your mind works...about anything is fine...I like those".

Hmmm...ok. I don't have anything specific to go into right now so I guess this will be random thoughts by B...lol Sounds sickeningly similar to Michelle's recent "random rants" so I'm trying not to be a copy-cat...but I gotta give the people what they want....lol.

...i started a longer blog about this subject, but never finished it so i'll just mention it here. but i am not at all happy with the fact that on the Twista song, "Wetter", one of the radio stations here blocks out the term "wet" each time the female voice on the hook says "I done been wet, but i can get wetter". BUT...when HE says it, it's not blocked out. I believe he says it 2-3 times during the song (at least). Wonder why it is that a female saying she's wet is censored, but a man telling her he's going to get her wet is not. Seems someone has a problem with that type of empowerment...that she can take ownership of her sexuality that way--that she can talk about it, and demand what she wants out of him. But it's ok for him to tell her what he's going to do TO her. No. Don't like it. One bit.

...shout out to Baby Beauty's boyfriend (that's a tongue-twister) for recognizing the same thing when the song came on in the car. He's 18-years old and I had never mentioned it to him before--he noticed, and disapproved, on his own...ahh, there is hope for the future :)

...i had a friend tell me something today--and she was a bit hesitant to do so, but i'm glad she did it anyway. she told me that she knows i gave everything i had in my marriage, and that she wanted me to know that i didn't fail. she said that in the book she's been reading about marriage and spirituality, etc it said that even when you give your all sometimes, the marriage may still fail, but that you haven't failed...and that you will be rewarded for what you gave. She said she believes Michelle is my reward because she sees that Michelle really LOVES (she used caps, so i will too) me. My reward...yes, I must agree. Got me thinking (and she and I to talking)...it was something that I needed to hear more than i or she realized. i do struggle with feelings of failure sometimes--not as much lately, but it still lingers sometimes...because I have such strong views on marriage and commitment...i do struggle with the fact that my marriage didn't work out. i do the things to myself that i shouldn't..."it wasn't even 6 months into the marriage before...." or "we didn't even make it to one year"...i never look back in regret--i know the right decisions were made...but sometimes i feel weird still talking about my feelings on marriage and commitment knowing what i have on my own "record". but the truth is that i still believe in marriage and lifelong commitment. i wasn't sure i did for a second, but that was just the hurt taking over. but once those layers were peeled back gently (by the sweet nugdings of the butterfly), i could see how much i still believe. and i still believe that i am made to love one woman with all that i have...for as long as i have. And i have finally found her...she has been here all along...we have been here along...and that's why this doesn't feel new. All the "getting to know you" that happens during most people's first few months, has happened for us over the course of 5 years...and there were times it got deep--we've always known each other deeply...either because of what we shared verbally, or because we shared experiences--we have so much in common. So...coming out of what I believed at the time to be a failure on my part, into the most amazing and wonderful feelings of love, satisfaction, passion, and pure joy i've ever experienced...well yes, i must have been wrong--i must not have failed...i must have finally gotten it right.

...i love that my life is so fluid and dynamic, not static. contrary to what i just wrote about above, in other areas of my life, i like to be changing...moving...i've been called a gypsy and a nomad since i was 18. i'm sure there are people in my life who are wondering when i'm going to settle down and sit down somewhere...probably not gonna happen folks. especially now that i've found someone with an equally adventurous and sometimes restless spirit...a partner in my crime, so to speak. i know it bucks traditional notions of growing up, graduating, finding a career and staying in that until you retire. but let's be honest...there aint much that's traditional about me to begin with except my feelings on marriage--and those who know me, know that even within that there are many unconventional views...just traditional from the "marriage is for life" perspective. so i don't mind being unconventional...i believe in having a job, obviously--i believe in higher education--i may always be in school, lol...but i just don't feel like i have to be pinned down to any one thing if that's not what feels right or where my life is moving. Ahh, and here we go again...so many unknowns, so much anything-can-happen...and i'm cool...i'm loving it...cause i got all that i need already...the rest are just the details to make life full.

...i have great friends. truly...when i take the time to just sit and think about the real ones--the close ones--they are really some great people. and such a diverse group too...straight/gay/bisexual, younger/my age/older, with/out children, single/married/divorced/committed, black/white/puerto rican/biracial/colombian/, christian/buddhist/agnostic/jewish...and the list goes on and on...love the diversity...love my friends.

...i am deeply, deeply intrigued by people who are SO incredibly interested in my relationship right now. and i'm not just referring to the "anonymous"'s of the world...i'm referring even to those who feel very positively about it. so i don't mean this in a bad way--i'm not intrigued as in annoyed--just intrigued. i never expected to get such a response--for it to be such a topic of conversation all the time...i mean in some ways i get it--this is so different...i am so different...that for those who know me well, it's a big deal and they want to talk about the differences they see in me. then there's the group who don't have any real reason for being so interested--no real ties to either of us emotionally--yet for some reason our story interests them and they want/need to "keep up"--like a soap opera or reality show. and then of course there are those who are/were connected to us at some point, but unlike the first category, they are not so happy about this...but i suppose are gluttons for punishment and can't stop watching it anyway--like a trainwreck. when i break it down this way, i realize that all of these are normal human responses...but as the recipient, taken as a whole, it can be very intriguing to be center stage while you're experiencing some of the most intense emotions and changes in your lifetime. oh well...the beauty is that i know people wouldn't still be so tuned in if we weren't giving them a damn good show...and we are...and there's no acting, all authentic--this is reality tv at its purest. again, for those with GOOD intentions, don't take this to mean that you can't talk to me about "us" anymore--i don't mind it at all, and in fact, i like the acknowledgement that you see how wonderful "us" and "she" are...again, i just didn't expect all of this...

...ok i've said a mouthful and since i'm at work and have been writing in fits and starts, i really don't know comprehensibly what i've written so i better stop, lol

for now...don't forget to smile :)

-B

BACK ON SCHEDULE...

Grateful for:

**the ways i have been blessed...it's almost overwhelming sometimes.

**summer 2009...(ex: see photo)

**my leap(s) of faith and the love and support of those who love me--you all deserve to know how much that means to me...

**feeling enough for her to miss her this much (trying to turn a negative into a positive here, work with me-lol)

**another week...this time with baby beauty along for the ride--so glad she came...

**my bosses...both of them love me so much and i don't know why, but i know it's a wonderful thing. thank you deb, especially, for your love and support unconditionally--i love you to death...

**caution to the wind...walking by faith...living for today...living life to the fullest...yeah...ALL of that...i'm sure i should be scared, but that's not really my style...instead i'm just damn happy and excited...

**the mask coming off and seeing for sure who was underneath...not a pretty sight...but glad it's all out there now and true colors revealed...ugh.

**rigging up the problems with my car enough to use the money for other pressing things, at least for now...

**the fact that i realized this morning as i looked around my apartment...i don't have much stuff...at all...and i like it. been a packrat most of my life but have grown into quite the minimalist and i love it...especially helpful since i'm somewhat of a nomad...

**my heat rash (still from the beach!) is starting to go away...though it's itching like crazy right now

**slow mornings at work that give me a chance to handle my business early in the day and get motivated and on a roll before the afternoon tiredness hits...

**that the kiddos are good with the planned arrangements--makes me very happy...all falling into place and i have faith it will continue...

**she says i'm green when you're here, and i'm brown when you're not...and she's right...

**friends who have freely opened their arms and homes if i need/want them...with no strings attached--just want to make this as stress-free as possible for me...thank you.

**browns...greens...forests...eyes...yeah.

**trading treetops for roots...i can dig it.

**time with both my families combined...we all had a great time..ahh, teenage girls--glad we cleared that up...and everyone agreeing we should do it again soon...

**my moment of utopia under the diving board...encircled and getting kisses from all 3 of my ladies, lol

**doing what you thought i wouldn't...just to make sure you know i'm serious--don't f*ck with her again. (this one can be generic as well for anyone else who might have plans to play with fire...)

**actually remaining very happy and upbeat in spite of the posts (and lines in grateful lists) that show that i was clearly pissed off and had to exercise that "other side" of myself...i'm sorry to those who were a bit thrown off by having to see me in that mode, but unfortunately there are people out there who mistake my sweetness for weakness and sometimes, just gotta clear up that misconception--but it's handled now...and you all have your gentle giant back...hahaha

**decisions made...progress...movement toward what is desired--that's living to me...

**kitten giggles...

**the way you dote...it's new for me--particularly when it's for the right reasons...but i'm learning to receive it...and i appreciate it

**sunshine...sometimes ya make me feel all warm and sh*t, lol

**both my best friends having major tooth surgeries this summer--not grateful for that exactly, but grateful they won't be in pain anymore afterwards...tooth pain aint no joke!

**when the little one jumped up to greet me with a hug and a high-pitched "brandy!!" when i got home from work...i could see our future then...all of ours...and it was so beautiful.

**finally opening the floodgates a little...so many times my love for you has taken me there on the inside, but it was finally too much to contain--even though i still tried.

**our unwillingness to keep saying goodbye...and actually doing something about it...

**our strength...not letting any of the madness that surrounded us become a problem FOR us--it was us against the problem, never us against each other...another sign of a great couple

**blessings disguised as disappointments--i am grateful for my ability to see through the disguise...one of my favorite qualities.

**michellesarahtoyakatieericmomdadbrandikimt.rhondajessicataylorkamerondebjessicag.kimh.jevonjocelynchuckydianajannethalysiamisty

**you. you're everything you think you are...and more than you may ever truly realize, but damnit i'll die trying.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

LATE...BUT RIGHT ON TIME...

grateful:

**for the blessings in my life which truly make me feel i have nothing to complain about--thank You.

**for beach trips and "all of us" time...the brady bunch family vacation...lol

**for safe trips with 7 strong in the impala (safe because of the road, and that no one killed each other being in such close proximity, lol)

**for my family having a great time in Miami being a part of a very special experience for my baby sister--so proud of you kate.

**for you always asking about her...glad you know she's permanent.

**you too...i know it's tough on you in some ways, but thank you for your love, support, and heartfelt enthusiasm--you are a true definition of friend.

**welcome to my world, CVD...lol...it's a mofo aint it??

**my kitten...

**creating a new language only we understand...but we understand it well. (4Life, lol)...

**for baby beauty asking me, "if you met bob marley and could say one word to him, what would it be? what about one sentence?"...that was kinda deep...

**for 1-1 conversation with her oldest...who wanted to tell me how happy and comfortable i make her mom...and how happy that makes her...wow.

**the way our lives tend to parallel in some important ways (like now, for instance)--it's nice for us both to have someone who "gets it" in ways that others may not...

**those browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...yes, still...always...

**decisions, decisions, decisions...

**COMMUNICATION (i'm not yelling, just really, really grateful-lol)...

**NYLO...finally living up to its potential...wheww.

**a little bit of 1-1 time with my lil kamburger--love that kid, man.

**the winds of change a'blowin...(and no kim, it's not gas, lol)...

**IP addresses and friends in very helpful places....gotcha.

**ingenuity, resourcefulness, and a willingness to just try it myself...and the help of a coworker--a pen and a sharpie can do big things--even on a car. lol

**this love...i am still so ridiculously happy...and the shit aint going away...

**the amazing things you said to me on that balcony...your "karma incarnate"...i have no words.

**you asking me to be your love mentor...i am honored.

**seeing my friend brandi and meeting her great husband--we really enjoyed ourselves and look forward to hanging out for "grownup time" again soon...

**you meshing/merging so well with my friends and family...i knew that you would--still nice to see it in action...knew they'd love you.

**you...in that orange dress. wow.

**that she wears flowers in her hair for me...

**the fact that we missed each other when i returned to work...ahh, this is the good life.

**my mom...for thinking i'm the greatest, even when i know i'm not...

**my brother...just love that dude.

**for the love of a woman who is everything that is real, and good, and right in this world...and the fact that i can feel the same love from her in every touch, smile, and look. my heart is full.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

DEAR ANONYMOUS...

GOTCHA...
LET THE GAMES BEGIN.