JUST TALKIN'...

Had a request for a "regular" blog entry...specifically "one where I can just see how your mind works...about anything is fine...I like those".

Hmmm...ok. I don't have anything specific to go into right now so I guess this will be random thoughts by B...lol Sounds sickeningly similar to Michelle's recent "random rants" so I'm trying not to be a copy-cat...but I gotta give the people what they want....lol.

...i started a longer blog about this subject, but never finished it so i'll just mention it here. but i am not at all happy with the fact that on the Twista song, "Wetter", one of the radio stations here blocks out the term "wet" each time the female voice on the hook says "I done been wet, but i can get wetter". BUT...when HE says it, it's not blocked out. I believe he says it 2-3 times during the song (at least). Wonder why it is that a female saying she's wet is censored, but a man telling her he's going to get her wet is not. Seems someone has a problem with that type of empowerment...that she can take ownership of her sexuality that way--that she can talk about it, and demand what she wants out of him. But it's ok for him to tell her what he's going to do TO her. No. Don't like it. One bit.

...shout out to Baby Beauty's boyfriend (that's a tongue-twister) for recognizing the same thing when the song came on in the car. He's 18-years old and I had never mentioned it to him before--he noticed, and disapproved, on his own...ahh, there is hope for the future :)

...i had a friend tell me something today--and she was a bit hesitant to do so, but i'm glad she did it anyway. she told me that she knows i gave everything i had in my marriage, and that she wanted me to know that i didn't fail. she said that in the book she's been reading about marriage and spirituality, etc it said that even when you give your all sometimes, the marriage may still fail, but that you haven't failed...and that you will be rewarded for what you gave. She said she believes Michelle is my reward because she sees that Michelle really LOVES (she used caps, so i will too) me. My reward...yes, I must agree. Got me thinking (and she and I to talking)...it was something that I needed to hear more than i or she realized. i do struggle with feelings of failure sometimes--not as much lately, but it still lingers sometimes...because I have such strong views on marriage and commitment...i do struggle with the fact that my marriage didn't work out. i do the things to myself that i shouldn't..."it wasn't even 6 months into the marriage before...." or "we didn't even make it to one year"...i never look back in regret--i know the right decisions were made...but sometimes i feel weird still talking about my feelings on marriage and commitment knowing what i have on my own "record". but the truth is that i still believe in marriage and lifelong commitment. i wasn't sure i did for a second, but that was just the hurt taking over. but once those layers were peeled back gently (by the sweet nugdings of the butterfly), i could see how much i still believe. and i still believe that i am made to love one woman with all that i have...for as long as i have. And i have finally found her...she has been here all along...we have been here along...and that's why this doesn't feel new. All the "getting to know you" that happens during most people's first few months, has happened for us over the course of 5 years...and there were times it got deep--we've always known each other deeply...either because of what we shared verbally, or because we shared experiences--we have so much in common. So...coming out of what I believed at the time to be a failure on my part, into the most amazing and wonderful feelings of love, satisfaction, passion, and pure joy i've ever experienced...well yes, i must have been wrong--i must not have failed...i must have finally gotten it right.

...i love that my life is so fluid and dynamic, not static. contrary to what i just wrote about above, in other areas of my life, i like to be changing...moving...i've been called a gypsy and a nomad since i was 18. i'm sure there are people in my life who are wondering when i'm going to settle down and sit down somewhere...probably not gonna happen folks. especially now that i've found someone with an equally adventurous and sometimes restless spirit...a partner in my crime, so to speak. i know it bucks traditional notions of growing up, graduating, finding a career and staying in that until you retire. but let's be honest...there aint much that's traditional about me to begin with except my feelings on marriage--and those who know me, know that even within that there are many unconventional views...just traditional from the "marriage is for life" perspective. so i don't mind being unconventional...i believe in having a job, obviously--i believe in higher education--i may always be in school, lol...but i just don't feel like i have to be pinned down to any one thing if that's not what feels right or where my life is moving. Ahh, and here we go again...so many unknowns, so much anything-can-happen...and i'm cool...i'm loving it...cause i got all that i need already...the rest are just the details to make life full.

...i have great friends. truly...when i take the time to just sit and think about the real ones--the close ones--they are really some great people. and such a diverse group too...straight/gay/bisexual, younger/my age/older, with/out children, single/married/divorced/committed, black/white/puerto rican/biracial/colombian/, christian/buddhist/agnostic/jewish...and the list goes on and on...love the diversity...love my friends.

...i am deeply, deeply intrigued by people who are SO incredibly interested in my relationship right now. and i'm not just referring to the "anonymous"'s of the world...i'm referring even to those who feel very positively about it. so i don't mean this in a bad way--i'm not intrigued as in annoyed--just intrigued. i never expected to get such a response--for it to be such a topic of conversation all the time...i mean in some ways i get it--this is so different...i am so different...that for those who know me well, it's a big deal and they want to talk about the differences they see in me. then there's the group who don't have any real reason for being so interested--no real ties to either of us emotionally--yet for some reason our story interests them and they want/need to "keep up"--like a soap opera or reality show. and then of course there are those who are/were connected to us at some point, but unlike the first category, they are not so happy about this...but i suppose are gluttons for punishment and can't stop watching it anyway--like a trainwreck. when i break it down this way, i realize that all of these are normal human responses...but as the recipient, taken as a whole, it can be very intriguing to be center stage while you're experiencing some of the most intense emotions and changes in your lifetime. oh well...the beauty is that i know people wouldn't still be so tuned in if we weren't giving them a damn good show...and we are...and there's no acting, all authentic--this is reality tv at its purest. again, for those with GOOD intentions, don't take this to mean that you can't talk to me about "us" anymore--i don't mind it at all, and in fact, i like the acknowledgement that you see how wonderful "us" and "she" are...again, i just didn't expect all of this...

...ok i've said a mouthful and since i'm at work and have been writing in fits and starts, i really don't know comprehensibly what i've written so i better stop, lol

for now...don't forget to smile :)

-B