A LITTLE BIT OF THIS...

AND A LITTLE BIT OF THAT...

****************************************************

lying: the problem with it is that....scratch that...ONE OF the MANY problems with it is that it is virtually unstoppable...once you pop, you can't stop...unless you just come clean, but if you were brave enough to do that, you'd have done it in the first place, not when you're going to be in even deeper water for having lied to boot. i'm just sayin'...nobody ever claimed there wouldn't be consequences for being honest--i suffer the consequences of honesty all the time so i'm not trying to sugarcoat it and act like honesty is always FUN--but we're grownups...and as grownups, we are supposed to deal with life head-on...take it for what it really is in each moment...and yes, accept the consequences of our actions...not run and hide like a small child behind backwards words, bent symantics, and duplicity that'll make your head spin. I know, I know..."little white lies"--we all tell 'em..."i'm too sick to come to work today"..."no, your butt doesn't look big"...but we all know what i'm really talking about. deceiving another for your own gain or protection is truly the most selfish thing one can do to someone they love or care about.

********************************************************
this song "it kills me" by melanie fiona....i'm torn. my gut reaction to it was very negative. she's singing about how she knows her man cheats, etc but she loves him and "who else is gonna hold me down". basically, a terrible message to teenage girls who are forming their ideas of love...terrible message for teenage boys who are forming their ideas of how to treat women...terrible message for grown men who already treat women like this.
on the other hand...
the song is so raw and so real. i am a firm believer that, like painters, poets, and novelists, recording artists should be free to sing/rap about what's real--in their lives or others--without the ridicule they currently take (thus i'm a fan of eminem and lil wayne where some of my closest friends are not)...but all of that's another topic for another time. my point is that based on how she sings this song, she's been there--that's real for her. or she's just that good and hasn't been there...but MANY women have and are. it's really a great song vocally and emotionally. you can feel the pain of someone in that position...and it's real...women experience that all the time and maybe for that group of women, this song says "you're not alone" (trying not to get the MJ song stuck in my head...resist...resist...lol). but really...all of us true music lovers love it because it speaks to us, because it can relate...and this song is no different. I'm quite sure that anyone who has felt what she's talking about feels this song on a deep level...and we all need that.

*******************************************************

ME--me and myself are becoming more and more reacquainted (and in some ways meeting for the first time) everyday...and i gotta say, i love it. this is so much fun. i'm turning 30 in 2 months and i refuse to go into that phase of my life (which is supposed to be one of the best) without being true to myself and without finally putting some value in myself and living from a place where i do value myself. this will cause some MAJOR shifts in a few things, probably for several people...but it's a good thing and only selfishness would allow them to see it any other way. It's also about living more consciously--a very important thing to me. Also about letting my true self shine thru--not always trying to please. And surprisingly enough, some of it even involves a return to some of the things about my personality that have been present over the last few years, but that put to the side or drastically changed because I just wanted EVERYTHING to be so different than what I had been dealing with. But the truth is that some of those things are me and need to be there, and some of the adjustments I’ve made are not as true to the real me. I was living from a place of fear…if any of the parts looked the same, I was afraid the whole might too. Not true.

There are aspects of pulling parts of me back into my walk, and then there are also brand new parts I’m adding to my walk…and those are the most exciting—they put the big smile on my face. I love the growth and learning I’m doing within me right now. Its not always obvious on my face maybe, but I’m pretty much constantly in thought and in an active process of growing and just settling into me. And I absolutely love it…mostly because it’s so real—all these things that are settling into my spirit (new or old) are so me…and therefore I know this is about the REAL me….i know this is stuff that I will just “BE”—as I was always supposed to…no fleeting thing(s)…I truly am being (re)born in some ways. Anywho…enough about me…let’s talk about you. lol

******************************************************

YOU--you, the close people in my life are such a blessing. i have some truly unique folks who i can honestly say are rare finds...even if it's because they're crazy or some other trait many would consider less than desirable lol. i see the uniqueness in each of them and i love it...and them. and then there's the one...yes, THAT one...well she's the most unique of them all--the one i sometimes feel was God's attempt at a prototype...for she seems to have it all in there. I see pieces of her in others, yet have never seen pieces of others in her. Still a product of her past and her environment, yet the way that gets molded and shaped...it's not like the rest of us--she is her own beautiful brand...solamente...stands out in any crowd...and i will never believe that there is anyone else in the world like her.

GRATEFUL WEDNESDAY...

for:

**this life, this love...

**every new day...

**watching 2 of my girls take to the sky and have a great time...

**a great weekend of Erykah, NYLO, State Fair, house party, parasailing, and outdoor fun with the family...

**umm....Erykah Badu...she needs her own line...for she is lovely. :)

**the browns and greens in the deep forest of her eyes...

**the fact that time heals everything that is meant to endure in the first place...

**my kitchen goddess and all her many talents...

**beautiful people in my life...many reasons to smile

**the way her hair frames her face...and the way she looks when she pulls it back and lets that amazing face be seen in all its beauty.

**daily om online courses...i feel they're going to be very beneficial

**the way it never feels like too much, or enough, or not enough...that's amazing really...i mean think about it.

** "your realization that i'm not perfect does not make me a fraud...you are the fraud for making me believe i didn't have to be"...i am glad i wrote this...i needed to say that for some time now.

** "Have you ever told yourself that you are ready to stop, only finding yourself repeating the exact same thing at another ground breaking moment. Take note of this type of repetition. Be aware of the amount time that you invest in breaking bad habits. ...Yes, all embellishments take their duration of change, but we must encourage ourselves with a disciplined mind. Don't become too comfortable with trying. Get into doing."--the floacist

**sunshine on a cloudy day...

**3 beautiful kids (well one's almost 21 so not really a kid) in my life...

**3 beautiful godchildren whom i adore...

**the love i have in my heart for her. the way i feel about us...very clear about it.

**endurance...

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

random bits and pieces...from the "she" collection
heard it was good to post sometimes even if only lines or pieces...just in case my journal goes missing or...
just in case.
also furthering this journey to try to be more outwardly vulnerable...
we'll see about it...it's tough man. lol
-b


fingers traverse her hair even while we sleep
cause
i just wanna get to the root of her.
_________________________________________

i will never ask you to clip your wings,
for though your heart is as gentle as a butterfly,
i know that the ram in you still wants to take this life head-on...
exploring possibilities, trying new things, and seeking fulfillment in all that you do.
______________________________________________________________

when you allow a beauty like hers to seep into your pores, it's hard not to sweat her.
_______________________________________________________________

and the heart in me is not a locket--i seek not to contain you
my heart is your soft place to land sweet butterfly...
and should you decide to enter, you can do so through the holes that exist to ensure that you can always breathe...
holes don't close when it's convenient for me...
if you need to feel the fresh breeze across your lips or climb distant trees to taste exotic fruits
you are free
to do so
because my heart...is where your home is.
and coming home to my heart doesn't come with the expectation of being a hermit.
this world will still be yours to explore...
and when it hurts you,
i'll meet you back at home
to lick up the pieces.
___________________________________________________________________
I see you...see you as though you were born on the backs of my eyelids
i watch the colors in your eyes change with your mood...home is where your hue is.

i watch seeds of doubt grow into strength and confidence...and sometimes be cut back down again.
home is where you are replanted.
__________________________________________________________________
fingers grip tightly to her hair...desperate to get to the root of her.
______________________________________________
Beauty marks placed strategically across her body because God knew...like i know...
that her beauty not only spreads across her face,
but lies within the deepest
corners...pockets...reaches...confines...
of her being.
_____________________________
you want to see what she paints,
I want to know how her colors were mixed and created.
_________________________________________
One day i asked God,
Why me?

(S)he replied:

because before you were born, there were whispers that you shouldn't be...
so i sent her to make sure you remember everyday that you're lucky to be alive.

because at a very young age you learned that just because two people can CREATE life together,
doesn't mean they will SPEND life together.
so i put love for her in your heart so you'd finally know
how
forever feels.

because when you were 4 years old your mother had to be strong enough to let go
again
and you had to do so right along with her
so i gave you the curves of her hips and thighs so you'd always have something beautiful to hold onto.

because when you were far too young,
you learned that trusting another with your vulnerability could lead to great heartache,
so i sent her arms to hold you in ways you have never,
and will never,
allow anyone else's to hold you

because the transition from your mother's house to your father's house
was more than just a move...
but said something to you about being wanted...
so i gave you one whose eyes tell you everything you need to know about your worth

because even as a child you'd give every single thing you had to someone you loved...
so i rewarded you with the only thing you've ever really wanted in return...
a love like her.

because your black and white stripes line up perfectly with hers,
i chose to allow you to navigate life's safari together...

because you have the ability to think deeply,
and she has the ability to bring life to deep thoughts with deep words...
i brought you together to write the love story i've been trying to perfect
since adam and eve...

because i gave you the power to SAY the things she so desperately needs to hear...
and because i gave her the power to BE the things you so desperately need to see...

because i gave her the power to SAY the things you so desperately need to hear...
and because i gave you the power to BE the things she so desperately needs to see...

because i know you love nature...
i gave you a forest in her eyes

because i know you appreciate beauty...
i gave you its very definition

because i created you in my image...
i gave you one whose spirit impresses even me.

because i know you like to fly...
i gave you one with gentle but sturdy wings.

because i know you are simple,
i gave you one who values the little things...

because i know you are complex,
i gave you one whose wisdom and insight reach far beyond this dimension or this lifetime...
___________________________________________________________
i dream about her with my eyes wide open--not wanting to miss a moment of our present
but fantasizing about our future
i don't sleep
i just daydream with my eyes closed.
_____________________________________________
it's as if she swallowed the world right off my shoulders...
the fruits of her consumption showing in the browns and greens of her eyes
uses them to give it back to me piece by piece--
in doses that make me feel less of the world's weight,
and more of its beauty
she cultivates her consumption--
the incubator for God's most important creations.
_____________________________________________________
don't know where it started,
dont know when it will end...
she encircles me...
enraptures my soul...
devours my fears in the same breath she creates them.
__________________________________________________
I wish that I had conceived you so I could have named you Beautiful.
__________________________________________________________

GREAT...FULL...

for:

**this life, this love...this life. this love. whew...this life, this love (so nice, had to say it thrice).

**falling in love with us...it's one thing to fall in love with the person, something else entirely to fall in love with the relationship/couple...

**quality time...much needed

**ranch pork chops...wow....

**good days at work...

**introspection...lots and lots of introspection lately

**my truths...being more honest with myself about the things that make me vulnerable--scary as hell, but freeing at the same time...

**the lighter side of the sun...

**these skies still continuing to amaze me...

**housewarming gifts that make us both smile--as much for the sentiment as for the actual gifts...so sweet.

**a fun night out together...and seeing my girl finally after 2 years--it's funny we talk everyday, but it was still so nice to actually put eyes on each other...and happy birthday to a cool ass chick :)

**mom coming to visit and continuing to bond with the queen and the princess...

**fun times with the poets...great group of crazy ass folks :)

**that we sometimes get overwhelmed...hurts so good...

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...

**my life is great...i'm just so happy.

**doing it my way...i like my way--never gave it enough credit before...

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

MY TRUTHS...

I think it's important to sit and be very honest with ourselves...I think it can be equally important, at times, to be honest about ourselves...out loud. And so, with that, I will begin to periodically post "My Truths"...things I'm realizing or admitting or embracing about myself--some for the first time, others just for the first time out loud. (similar to Michelle's "Things I've Learned", but for me, not so much lessons as confessions to/of self)...
I ask only that if you are not someone who can, will, and does love me unconditionally, that you skip posts with this title--for I will be raw with who I am and I have the expectation of not being judged or feelings changed.
This is me...if you love me,
love me.

Love,
Me.

1. I no longer believe in "always" and "never"
and i'm so sad about that. if i'm saying them, i believe them. but if they are said to me, they really don't carry much weight anymore. some will say that it's the best thing that could have happened to me--to let go of believing in those words--they'll say it's smarter and safer not to--but i want(ed) to...the choice for me and how i want(ed) to live my life was to continue to believe in those words. I hadn't allowed myself to admit, to myself, that i don't anymore. Didn't want to be defeated--I've held onto "always" and "never" through a lot of things in life--and so i thought i always would. guess i got caught sleepin'...sucks to have to say that those words no longer have much affect on me unless i'm the one saying them. sucks badly.

2. I called it being "loyal to a fault"--which is ALSO true...but the other truth is that I did still love you through all of that--and i was afraid of what that truth said about me.

3. Sometimes my fierce loyalty is actually a built-in safeguard for its opposite--
a need/desire/inclinition
to run...to a safer place.

hmm...that was more difficult than i thought. which probably means it was even more necessary than i thought. ugh.
-b

GRATEFUL...

"You think this is just another day in your life? It's not just another day...it's the one day that is given to you...today. It's given to you...it's a gift. it's the only gift that you have right now...and the only appropriate response...is gratefulness."



for...
**this gift called life

**this gift called love

**the skies...i am amazed by them every single day right now and i don't know how i've missed this for 29 years...(actually saw a rainbow on my way home yesterday--and it hadn't been raining!)

**life being peaceful enough for me to be still...and think deeply again...and get to know myself again...i have missed me.

**our new apartment...it took a little convincing, i know, but i really do like it...

**"our" new apartment.

**the kiddos spending lots of time there...glad they feel it's home too

**noremak and ydnarb...we are gonna make millions! lol

**friends...who love and support no matter what. means a lot...

**my brother staying safe on his travels to/from his long-distance fiancee...

**good talks with friends who make me laugh...hard (i'll call it "Can You Trust a Sneaky Heffa?" lmao...no ma'am)

**the outdoor opportunities that come with the cooler weather...mt. bonnell, wildlife preserve, town lake, barton springs, botanical gardens, here i come...

**the 2 opposing yet complimentary phenomena happening for me at the same time--choosing to use my voice more...and choosing to use it less. sounds strange, but makes sense when you think in terms of the "choice" aspect, not the acts themselves.

**words that are coming for this one poem that i really want to be very good...they're coming...at their own pace, but they're coming...

**my alpha baby...she handles up so sweetly lol

**making a trip to get a load of my stuff from storage...i feel better now with more clothes to choose from

**how 'bout them cowboys? still didn't look like my boys of old, but they got the win on MNF and i was happy...

**watching MNF with my girl who was equally into it...with wings and beer. utopia anyone? lol

**being so open-minded...it's amazing the things people tell me...i love hearing about all different things...people truly intrigue me--on a deep level

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...

**"working" from home...spending the day together

**the coffeemaker is back in action and we are both so excited! lol

**the beauty that is her--unique in so many ways...i know her well...yet believe i will still be learning her every single day...and i love that process--so much to her, so much beauty to behold.

**"you two just fit...it's so obvious just by looking at you both"...thank you.

**you doing the hard work to make it/you better...the reading, the counselor (even if she is grandma moses, lol), the talking, the blogging...i'm so very proud of you.

**reconnecting with friends...thanks for your encouragement love...

**getting more in touch with that "other" side of me...it's there...i may as well admit it and embrace it...cause i actually kinda like it. sugary sweet has its place but uhh....lol :)

**home sweet home.


don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

She WOWS me...

You are the woman who defines beauty.
You are the beauty who defines woman.
You.
Are.
Everything.

GRATEFUL WEDNESDAY ON THURSDAY...

(see, we just swapped places brandi, lol)

for:

**the gift of life...and the consciousness to truly live it

**2 days.

**my first-born Godchild...the Original...turning 9 tomorrow...has so much personality--love you J-Boogie

**2 days.

**8:59pm-1:54am of nothing but mutual adoration...wow, we have alot in there for one another

**2 days.

**you two realizing you're still "in love", lol, and everything's gonna be alright--i believe that (and also hope it for my sanity, lol)

**2days.

**that work is back to normal this week...normal is still hella busy but i can breathe, and that's always helpful

**2 days.

**feeling motivated and inspired...to do..to be...to strive..

**2 days.

**finding an old card you gave me...made me smile

**2 days.

**reconnecting with my peeps...slowly, i admit...but surely...and her encouraging me to do so

**2 days.

**jason mraz--"i'm yours"...i feel it...and i love it. sometimes it really is as simple as he makes it sound in that song.

**2 days.

**a week of feeling like any minute i was going to completely abandon my normal personality and bust into a happy dance or sing in public or run or jump or something to let out all this excited energy i have in me...cause uhh, did i mention....2 days?

**2 days.

**being in the "you better get on the good foot or get left in the dust" place--i like it here...

**2 days.

**my EZs friend...we need to go soon actually...i know it's a tough month for you--just know i'm thinking about ya

**2 days.

**you coming directly to me when you were hurt. my words could never explain what that means to me...so i hope you can feel my heart.

**2 days.

**the fact that you carry it in your pocket. i didn't know it. but i'm so glad you do--you deserve to know that feeling...and you need to remember that reality.

**2 days.

**that you, you, and especially you are back to blogging--i missed your words.

**2 days.

**tough talks that i hope got us somewhere better than we were before...i just want us to be ok--but i'm not willing to sacrifice any part of "us" for us...no offense, just reality.

**2 days.

**facebook statuses that ask interesting questions for feedback--i like having those kinds of dialogue--what a great way to use your status--to get the mind working and to evoke healthy debate amongst friends...nice.

**2 days.

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...i live there, and i like it.

**2 days.

**you. each and every thing that is...you.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

LoveRing

I looked at you today and saw tomorrow…and tomorrow’s tomorrow…and next year’s next year and…
I wanted to ask you a question…
But I was missing something…
Something most consider a pretty important accompaniment to this particular question…
Something that symbolizes the seriousness of my commitment to the commitment that this question brings

and at the time I couldn’t bring myself to ask you without the missing piece...
so my question instead became...

can my love be your ring?

Can I wrap myself around the whole of you...
show you that my commitment goes far beyond what most mean when they wrap two inches of gold and a carat of diamond around a finger…
I want to wrap myself around the whole of you and adorn the top with my soul…
if i promised it would shine as bright and never tarnish...could my love be your ring?

It wouldn’t be something new—for you’ve had my love and my soul for as long as I can remember knowing your name,

It would be something old—old enough to have experienced enough to know that this love…
your love…
will always BE…
enough.

It would be something borrowed…from cupid...from old movies when love was real...from ruby d and ozzie...from noah and allie…

And it would be something blue…like the hues that interlace with the mauves when God’s painting sunsets across the horizon just for us…my love for you stretches that far…goes that deep…and truly is that beautiful

THIS WAS A TOTAL WORK IN PROGRESS...THERE'S MORE TO IT AND THERE WAS GOING TO BE EVEN MORE...ONLY POSTED THE PARTS THAT MADE AT LEAST A LITTLE SENSE--THE REST WAS LOVESICK RAMBLINGS AT BEST, LOL. I DON'T KNOW IF, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, THIS ONE WILL EVER TURN INTO SOMETHING FOR REAL, BUT I LIKED THE IDEA OF IT ANYWAY...
-B

NO DISCLAIMERS, JUST GRATEFUL...

for...

**this life. this love. this day.

**9.6.09...changed everything and nothing all at once. just couldn't hold it anymore. grateful for the moonlight, the water, the soft skin, and the courage to say how i felt. thankful she said yes.

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...needed to move up the list this time.

**9.19.09

**rejuvenation....

**time with Godzilla and company...merging my families even more...how much they loved you immediately--how great you were with them.

**an absolutely wonderful labor day weekend...my mom loves her. she loves my mom. my mom loves her daughter. her daughter loves my mom. (in fact tried to purposely get left behind)...it was amazing and i am so glad we did it. ahh, my girls...

**my job...although they're trying to kill me this week, i really do like it and the people i work with.

**first born, jellybean, and kamburger...so easy to love them--they really are as great as the biased mother says they are, lol

**music--i'm falling in love all over again...some of these songs just get me right in the old ticker, others just have a beat that's outta this world...(special shout out to ginuine, maroon 5, john mayer, and mario right now)

**KKB all jacked up at the same time...wow...who would've thought?

**my muse...i'm not "that" kind of poet...but she does give me words i didn't even know i knew

**"if i only got one shot...to win you...then call me Jordan, 4th quarter in '92"...i love that--for the obvious Jordan-reference reason, and also because I feel that song (and especially that line) deep in my SOUL...lol

**the sky...i don't know if God was trying to get my attention, but (s)he most certainly did so...i have a whole new respect for that masterpiece above...it's been amazing

**My mom...for making her know how welcomed and loved she is--both of them in fact. All of us in fact. I appreciate you.

**"you just be throwing stuff on"...i don't know why i'm grateful for this per se, but it made me laugh...and possibly reevaluate the way i dress...LMAO

**self-talk and its powers--at least for me--i can truly "sit myself down" so to speak, and have a talk with myself (internally) and set myself straight...get my mind right...and i'm so glad because i'm the only one who's there 24/7...i don't have to wait for someone else to have the time, knowledge, or inclination to do it for me...

**but....also grateful for your ability to set me straight as needed

**the fact that neither of us is afraid of what others think, other's timelines, or doing us. our confidence is neither naiive nor stupid--it's confidence and it's based on very well thought-out and COMMUNICATED factors.

**i love us. we are a very cool couple...unconventional in many ways...traditional in just as many...totally us in all. most will never understand. we always will. we win.

**uh-oh...it's happening again...the grateful list is becoming all about her/us...grateful for that problem--it's a good one to have...but i'll try to redirect now, lol

**for my friend who is being strong in a very difficult time...grateful for our rekindled friendship--never went anywhere but glad for the regularity again...we're better that way. we make each other laugh...a LOT.

**for your honesty today...again, i know it's not easy, i know it's complicated...i also know that i believe in us and the beauty of our base--our friendship--very much.

**the fact that even though it's natural, and even though i wouldn't be wrong, i am not going there...i understand that it'd be understandable...just not gonna do it.

**you reminding me of that night...driving from killeen...electric shock...wow.

**you. i breathe your name and i swallow your tears...you live in me and i, in you. i am home. you are home. we...are home...finally. let's put our feet up and stay...forever. paradise squared.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

BLESSED...

and grateful...

for:

**life and living...thank you.

**you.

**moving and shaking...getting settled in...it's all going in the right direction

**my job...though stressful at times, i love the challenge

**another year for sunshine...happy birthday :)

**finding out that the master's program(s) i am interested in are offered at the round rock campus of Texas State, so if i decide to go there, I won't have to go to San Marcos two nights/week to do so...

**this story...our story...the stuff great books/movies/lives are made of...i am enjoying writing...and going back and reading from time to time

**great conversations and gaining further understanding...Kerby Lane really likes their black beans 'eh?? lol

**my brother going to school the first day in vintage clothes--paisley shirt, corduroys, a blazer, and a fedora...man, i love that kid--he is so unique and doesn't give a damn. will have to question the decision of corduroys in the texas summer though, lol

**"i know you're talking to the hubby right now, but can i talk to you for a second?" LMAO

**ice cream together...i love being with you guys. and HE is hilarious...ridiculously so.

**my godson...who is also quite hilarious...."uhh, what's up with the roses??" lol

**you two having a throwback bff weekend...it was beautiful to see...but funny--both kept telling me the same stuff....you two make me LAUGH.

**meeting with an apt locator this saturday...can't wait to take the next step with you

**that both my friends who are going thru hard times in their relationships are able to find some solace and see their opportunities for growth in the midst of pain...

**the great things God's been doing with the sky lately--wow.

**that our visions of the future line up so well...duke ellington (lol)/house/boat/jet skis/ford truck/'57 chevy, here we come...

**i'm getting some homemade pizza this weekend and i'm very excited about it...lol

**the patience of my friends while i make this transition and get settled...i suck, i know this...but i will do better...just bear with me

**gentle reminders...gentle pushes...being what a real woman means to me...

**the greens and browns in the deep forests of her eyes...and they've been doing something extra lately...hmm...i like

**the piece in progress...

**you...every single thing about you...and there is SO much....you.

**...and that i finally found the right way to describe you--still never enough, but it may be the closest i'll ever come...
it's as if she swallowed the world and spends her life giving it back piece by piece...the incubator for all of God's most important creations...she is...everything.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

GRATEFUL...

for:

**being alive to LIVE.

**2 full weeks.

**3 months.

**getting a job...at a family law firm--so blessed.

**actually taking a mini-lunch break today so that i can do this grateful list..it's important

**her face...

**showing up...being presence...being and remaining conscious of the things i know i need to do within (and without)

**taking it off autopilot and steering the plane...

**pure, unconditional love...when it comes down to it, it's all i truly have to give...but i give it with my whole heart and soul and it is yours to keep...

**time with Jellybean...it was on last week's list too...because i got ANOTHER week :)

**my understanding that people won't/don't/can't understand me...i am perfectly fine with that...they just have to get there too.

**best friends who are more like sisters (with different daddies of course, lol)

**wings, potato ensemble, etc...ahh, my kitchen goddess

**remembering what leading means...gotta be willing to take the good AND the hard stuff if you take on that role...

**un-con-ven-tion-al. 'nuff said.

**...except that i like unconventional. very much. ok now, 'nuff said. lol

**the bright yellow heart-within-a-heart paperweight that sits on my desk...

**that pimpin' for some produce went off without a hitch...damn, that plum was good. and apparently i now like cucumbers as long as they're made her way...

**oh, and speaking of which--for her cabbage...i mean this is borderline ridiculous really. lol

**my mom's recent good news (times 2)...so proud/happy

**the internal depth of it...can be almost overwhelming at times

**the fact that the proof is in the pudding...i had a FB status about 3 weeks ago that said "are you watching? i'm going to show you something..."...and i'm doing just that. makes me happy.

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...there will never be enough weeks/lists to reach full grateful capacity on this one...so i'll just keep saying thank you.

**our talk(s)...haven't been easy ones, but needed...we've been at this friend thing for a long time now...so glad we're still being honest with each other.

**the way my heart stretched when you nestled this deep into it because you took up more space than it has ever allowed before...

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

TO THE ONE WHO HELPED HER BECOME WHO SHE IS...
FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE MEANT TO HER, AND EVERYTHING SHE MEANS TO ME, THANK YOU AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
-B

TODAY I...

went to WORK.

worked a LOT.

picked up jellybean on the way home.

came home to your kisses.

...and your singing and dancing about my first day of work.

life is good.

(and life with YOU, is even better than that...)

BEEN A MINUTE...

but still ever-grateful..for:

**life, living, creation, existence, beauty, blessings...

**butterfly kisses in the morning and at night...

**being so proud of sunshine at nats...so, so proud

**time with my lil jellybean...

**floating...floating...floating on a river (even if i made the cardinal mistake according to your brother, lol)

**dontchange...by musiq soulchild

**her cooking...just wow.

**my mom's new job...congrats!

**the perfect getaway...really good movie--clever.

**interview(s)...

**late night/early morning talks on the balcony...great talks

**seeing it...before my eyes...being able to picture the near-future.

**this love...strong, deep, enduring

**leaving the past right where it belongs...in the past.

**his kisses on my cheek...

**a mentor who turned into a friend...

**loving my d/fw peeps enough to miss them...

**knowing my family supports my decision(s) and just wants me to be happy...plus they LOVE visiting here too so there are ulterior motives, i believe...lol

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...still wow me. everytime.

**being closer/more time with my austin peeps...i missed you, you, and you more than i knew i did...

**this just-about-every-day thing...working hard to make it an everyday thing ASAP...

**working hard...

**time to bond while the working hard also makes me wait...

**forgiveness.

**patience...and belief in me. means everything.

**you. every single thing about you. unconditionally. you.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

THE POWERS...OF AUSTIN.

GRATEFUL:

**life. love. being alive. being in love. living. loving.

**that you would...even if you brushed your teeth afterwards, lol.

**the new(est) look...starting over--being born--want something new...

**our birthday...July 24, 2009.

**my little Godzilla's 3rd birthday...wow she's growing up fast.  Happy birthday baby...I miss you.

**my friends...showing themselves...

**knowing you're just an outstretched arm away...

**my trust in the process...your trust in me...my trust in myself

**that my inbox on yahoo has somehow been completely emptied...as in 0 messages (new or old). this could be a bad thing, but hey--maybe it's just more of that purging and starting over. one quarter of me wants to freak out a little bit, but the other 3/4 says there's nothing i can do about it now except change my password and move forward....so i shall.

**little blessings that seem to come out of nowhere...i truly believe i have a guardian angel.

**my godson missing me when i'm not there...

**remaining calm, cool, and collected...it's the only way to fly.

**best friends.

**the way you know me...scary, a little...amazing, a lot.

**a heartfelt email to us both...we felt it and we appreciate it more than you know. thank you ma'am...

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...and seeing them more often.

**communication...

**"i am not oblivious to the fact that i am...odd." LOL

**us being odd together...makes for an incredibly dynamic duo don't ya think?

**my Texas Power family...miss you already.

**you. in every, single way...you.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

FOR IT ALL...

GRATEFUL FOR:

**higher power...being blessed enough to be here...being blessed enough to have all of THIS while i am here..

**safety...with all the change a'brewin, it's nice to feel the safety that lies in you...you...and you.

**our tough, but open and honest convo today...you know i think the world of you--always have, always will. just gotta lay it out there no-holds-barred now though...yeah, it's like that. thank you for understanding...thank you for wanting the essence more than the ego.

**the most perfect hair i've ever seen...i may never get used to it. (no, not my own lol)

**friends with open doors...and tasty dinners...and coffee in the morning...and great conversation. i'm blessed...

**a love that we both still can't quite believe is real sometimes...and having to (literally) pinch each other to prove that it is...hurts so good. lol

**taco bueno...oh how i'll miss you. lol

**knowing that whenever this nomad blows back into town, there's always multiple somewheres to land...again, i am blessed.

**one last time...and oh what a time it was. our treetop hideaway will always be where it began...but time to make new memories.

**the best surprise dinner date i ever had...you made me smile...big.

**my friend/coworker/mentor...for loving me, forgiving me (and michelle, lol), and being happy for me

**you...for calling me. i am here..and you know i understand.

**how my dad goes with the flow...dropped a lot on him today...he took it all in stride as always...nevermind that he may have no real idea what i've said--doesn't "tune in" very well...but makes those tough convos a lot easier on me. lol

**her (their) confidence that she (they) can love and treat me (us) better than anyone else could...when a woman is that confident that she can/will treat you better than anyone else, she's usually right...

**your help to make one of her dreams a reality...i see so much in her, and i know she'll be so successful...thank you for your belief in her as well, and your willingness (and eagerness) and jump on board and help out...you're the best! i WILL get you that name...and soon. lol

**gin...even though you treated me bad that one night--i'll blame it on the fried rice. lol

**waking up to another party scene...even though it was just the 2 of us hahaha

**my brother, his fiancee, AND my baby sister coming to spend the night...had a great time and great conversation...

**peeping tinas (as opposed to toms)...makes me laugh

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...

**JTK...really starting to settle into my heart--for real...and for the convo with the middle where i told her so....aww. lol

**the mirror...thank you...i needed it...and you knew that...and i didn't react very well...thank you for doing it anyway...and forgiving me...ahh, we are so good for one another.

**for being done and realizing what that actually means.

**for this journey...step 1 is complete...step 2 is saturday morning...and the r(b)est is yet to come...i am so looking forward to it...i know some don't understand, and that's ok...just watch me do me...and watch me smile...and if you love me, that'll be all that matters to you.

**for the way my heart beats your name...can you hear it? here, let me come closer...

**saturday.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

I love this...the first paragraph having special significance in my life right now...the entire thing having great significance in my life as a whole...

"Why not let people differ about their answers to the great mysteries of the Universe? Let each seek one's own way to the highest, to one's own sense of supreme loyalty in life, one's ideal of life. Let each philosophy, each world-view bring forth its truth and beauty to a larger perspective, that people may grow in vision, stature and dedication.

The religions of humanity should be a unifying force, for all the great religions reveal a basic unity in ethics. Whether it be Judaism, Catholicism, Protestantism, Buddhism or Confucianism, all grow out of a sense of the sacredness of human life. This moral sensitivity to the sacredness of human personality -- the Commandments not to kill, not to hurt, not to put a stumbling block in the path of the blind, not to neglect the widow or the fatherless, not to exploit the servant or the worker -- all this can be found in the Bibles of humanity, in all the sacred books. All teach in substance: "Do unto others as you would that others should do unto you." There is, then, a basic unity among the great religions in the matter of ethics. True, there are religious philosophies which turn people away from the world, from the here and now, concentrating life-purposes on salvation for one's self or a mystic union with some supernatural reality. But most of the great religions agree on mercy, justice, love -- here on earth. And they agree that the great task is to move people from apathy, from an acceptance of the evils in life, to face the possibilities of the world, to make life sweet for one another instead of bitter. This is the unifying ethical task of all the religions -- yes, of all the philosophies of humankind. There is no need to force our own theological points of view upon one another or to insist that the moral life grows out of final, absolute authority."

--Algernon Black

Just Watching...

i watch you sleep...
unsure how i went the first 29 years without ever seeing anything so beautiful,
yet sure i never did...
hair creating a halo appropriate for the angel that you are...
ringlets draped across smooth cheeks, landing softly on the nape of your neck
eyes wide shut...giving my heart the momentary breather it needs after being taken by them all day long...
lips perched in a butterfly kiss...as if waiting for me to give them flight...
so i do...
and you awaken for a moment and ask me if this is a dream...
i smile at you
for you ask of me what i have asked of myself a thousand times...
but i find a way to add words to my smile and tell you that
this...
is a dream...
come true.
now go back to sleep baby...your dreams are waiting for you...
and when you wake up,
i...
we...
will still be your reality.

-b

JUST TALKIN'...

Had a request for a "regular" blog entry...specifically "one where I can just see how your mind works...about anything is fine...I like those".

Hmmm...ok. I don't have anything specific to go into right now so I guess this will be random thoughts by B...lol Sounds sickeningly similar to Michelle's recent "random rants" so I'm trying not to be a copy-cat...but I gotta give the people what they want....lol.

...i started a longer blog about this subject, but never finished it so i'll just mention it here. but i am not at all happy with the fact that on the Twista song, "Wetter", one of the radio stations here blocks out the term "wet" each time the female voice on the hook says "I done been wet, but i can get wetter". BUT...when HE says it, it's not blocked out. I believe he says it 2-3 times during the song (at least). Wonder why it is that a female saying she's wet is censored, but a man telling her he's going to get her wet is not. Seems someone has a problem with that type of empowerment...that she can take ownership of her sexuality that way--that she can talk about it, and demand what she wants out of him. But it's ok for him to tell her what he's going to do TO her. No. Don't like it. One bit.

...shout out to Baby Beauty's boyfriend (that's a tongue-twister) for recognizing the same thing when the song came on in the car. He's 18-years old and I had never mentioned it to him before--he noticed, and disapproved, on his own...ahh, there is hope for the future :)

...i had a friend tell me something today--and she was a bit hesitant to do so, but i'm glad she did it anyway. she told me that she knows i gave everything i had in my marriage, and that she wanted me to know that i didn't fail. she said that in the book she's been reading about marriage and spirituality, etc it said that even when you give your all sometimes, the marriage may still fail, but that you haven't failed...and that you will be rewarded for what you gave. She said she believes Michelle is my reward because she sees that Michelle really LOVES (she used caps, so i will too) me. My reward...yes, I must agree. Got me thinking (and she and I to talking)...it was something that I needed to hear more than i or she realized. i do struggle with feelings of failure sometimes--not as much lately, but it still lingers sometimes...because I have such strong views on marriage and commitment...i do struggle with the fact that my marriage didn't work out. i do the things to myself that i shouldn't..."it wasn't even 6 months into the marriage before...." or "we didn't even make it to one year"...i never look back in regret--i know the right decisions were made...but sometimes i feel weird still talking about my feelings on marriage and commitment knowing what i have on my own "record". but the truth is that i still believe in marriage and lifelong commitment. i wasn't sure i did for a second, but that was just the hurt taking over. but once those layers were peeled back gently (by the sweet nugdings of the butterfly), i could see how much i still believe. and i still believe that i am made to love one woman with all that i have...for as long as i have. And i have finally found her...she has been here all along...we have been here along...and that's why this doesn't feel new. All the "getting to know you" that happens during most people's first few months, has happened for us over the course of 5 years...and there were times it got deep--we've always known each other deeply...either because of what we shared verbally, or because we shared experiences--we have so much in common. So...coming out of what I believed at the time to be a failure on my part, into the most amazing and wonderful feelings of love, satisfaction, passion, and pure joy i've ever experienced...well yes, i must have been wrong--i must not have failed...i must have finally gotten it right.

...i love that my life is so fluid and dynamic, not static. contrary to what i just wrote about above, in other areas of my life, i like to be changing...moving...i've been called a gypsy and a nomad since i was 18. i'm sure there are people in my life who are wondering when i'm going to settle down and sit down somewhere...probably not gonna happen folks. especially now that i've found someone with an equally adventurous and sometimes restless spirit...a partner in my crime, so to speak. i know it bucks traditional notions of growing up, graduating, finding a career and staying in that until you retire. but let's be honest...there aint much that's traditional about me to begin with except my feelings on marriage--and those who know me, know that even within that there are many unconventional views...just traditional from the "marriage is for life" perspective. so i don't mind being unconventional...i believe in having a job, obviously--i believe in higher education--i may always be in school, lol...but i just don't feel like i have to be pinned down to any one thing if that's not what feels right or where my life is moving. Ahh, and here we go again...so many unknowns, so much anything-can-happen...and i'm cool...i'm loving it...cause i got all that i need already...the rest are just the details to make life full.

...i have great friends. truly...when i take the time to just sit and think about the real ones--the close ones--they are really some great people. and such a diverse group too...straight/gay/bisexual, younger/my age/older, with/out children, single/married/divorced/committed, black/white/puerto rican/biracial/colombian/, christian/buddhist/agnostic/jewish...and the list goes on and on...love the diversity...love my friends.

...i am deeply, deeply intrigued by people who are SO incredibly interested in my relationship right now. and i'm not just referring to the "anonymous"'s of the world...i'm referring even to those who feel very positively about it. so i don't mean this in a bad way--i'm not intrigued as in annoyed--just intrigued. i never expected to get such a response--for it to be such a topic of conversation all the time...i mean in some ways i get it--this is so different...i am so different...that for those who know me well, it's a big deal and they want to talk about the differences they see in me. then there's the group who don't have any real reason for being so interested--no real ties to either of us emotionally--yet for some reason our story interests them and they want/need to "keep up"--like a soap opera or reality show. and then of course there are those who are/were connected to us at some point, but unlike the first category, they are not so happy about this...but i suppose are gluttons for punishment and can't stop watching it anyway--like a trainwreck. when i break it down this way, i realize that all of these are normal human responses...but as the recipient, taken as a whole, it can be very intriguing to be center stage while you're experiencing some of the most intense emotions and changes in your lifetime. oh well...the beauty is that i know people wouldn't still be so tuned in if we weren't giving them a damn good show...and we are...and there's no acting, all authentic--this is reality tv at its purest. again, for those with GOOD intentions, don't take this to mean that you can't talk to me about "us" anymore--i don't mind it at all, and in fact, i like the acknowledgement that you see how wonderful "us" and "she" are...again, i just didn't expect all of this...

...ok i've said a mouthful and since i'm at work and have been writing in fits and starts, i really don't know comprehensibly what i've written so i better stop, lol

for now...don't forget to smile :)

-B

BACK ON SCHEDULE...

Grateful for:

**the ways i have been blessed...it's almost overwhelming sometimes.

**summer 2009...(ex: see photo)

**my leap(s) of faith and the love and support of those who love me--you all deserve to know how much that means to me...

**feeling enough for her to miss her this much (trying to turn a negative into a positive here, work with me-lol)

**another week...this time with baby beauty along for the ride--so glad she came...

**my bosses...both of them love me so much and i don't know why, but i know it's a wonderful thing. thank you deb, especially, for your love and support unconditionally--i love you to death...

**caution to the wind...walking by faith...living for today...living life to the fullest...yeah...ALL of that...i'm sure i should be scared, but that's not really my style...instead i'm just damn happy and excited...

**the mask coming off and seeing for sure who was underneath...not a pretty sight...but glad it's all out there now and true colors revealed...ugh.

**rigging up the problems with my car enough to use the money for other pressing things, at least for now...

**the fact that i realized this morning as i looked around my apartment...i don't have much stuff...at all...and i like it. been a packrat most of my life but have grown into quite the minimalist and i love it...especially helpful since i'm somewhat of a nomad...

**my heat rash (still from the beach!) is starting to go away...though it's itching like crazy right now

**slow mornings at work that give me a chance to handle my business early in the day and get motivated and on a roll before the afternoon tiredness hits...

**that the kiddos are good with the planned arrangements--makes me very happy...all falling into place and i have faith it will continue...

**she says i'm green when you're here, and i'm brown when you're not...and she's right...

**friends who have freely opened their arms and homes if i need/want them...with no strings attached--just want to make this as stress-free as possible for me...thank you.

**browns...greens...forests...eyes...yeah.

**trading treetops for roots...i can dig it.

**time with both my families combined...we all had a great time..ahh, teenage girls--glad we cleared that up...and everyone agreeing we should do it again soon...

**my moment of utopia under the diving board...encircled and getting kisses from all 3 of my ladies, lol

**doing what you thought i wouldn't...just to make sure you know i'm serious--don't f*ck with her again. (this one can be generic as well for anyone else who might have plans to play with fire...)

**actually remaining very happy and upbeat in spite of the posts (and lines in grateful lists) that show that i was clearly pissed off and had to exercise that "other side" of myself...i'm sorry to those who were a bit thrown off by having to see me in that mode, but unfortunately there are people out there who mistake my sweetness for weakness and sometimes, just gotta clear up that misconception--but it's handled now...and you all have your gentle giant back...hahaha

**decisions made...progress...movement toward what is desired--that's living to me...

**kitten giggles...

**the way you dote...it's new for me--particularly when it's for the right reasons...but i'm learning to receive it...and i appreciate it

**sunshine...sometimes ya make me feel all warm and sh*t, lol

**both my best friends having major tooth surgeries this summer--not grateful for that exactly, but grateful they won't be in pain anymore afterwards...tooth pain aint no joke!

**when the little one jumped up to greet me with a hug and a high-pitched "brandy!!" when i got home from work...i could see our future then...all of ours...and it was so beautiful.

**finally opening the floodgates a little...so many times my love for you has taken me there on the inside, but it was finally too much to contain--even though i still tried.

**our unwillingness to keep saying goodbye...and actually doing something about it...

**our strength...not letting any of the madness that surrounded us become a problem FOR us--it was us against the problem, never us against each other...another sign of a great couple

**blessings disguised as disappointments--i am grateful for my ability to see through the disguise...one of my favorite qualities.

**michellesarahtoyakatieericmomdadbrandikimt.rhondajessicataylorkamerondebjessicag.kimh.jevonjocelynchuckydianajannethalysiamisty

**you. you're everything you think you are...and more than you may ever truly realize, but damnit i'll die trying.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

LATE...BUT RIGHT ON TIME...

grateful:

**for the blessings in my life which truly make me feel i have nothing to complain about--thank You.

**for beach trips and "all of us" time...the brady bunch family vacation...lol

**for safe trips with 7 strong in the impala (safe because of the road, and that no one killed each other being in such close proximity, lol)

**for my family having a great time in Miami being a part of a very special experience for my baby sister--so proud of you kate.

**for you always asking about her...glad you know she's permanent.

**you too...i know it's tough on you in some ways, but thank you for your love, support, and heartfelt enthusiasm--you are a true definition of friend.

**welcome to my world, CVD...lol...it's a mofo aint it??

**my kitten...

**creating a new language only we understand...but we understand it well. (4Life, lol)...

**for baby beauty asking me, "if you met bob marley and could say one word to him, what would it be? what about one sentence?"...that was kinda deep...

**for 1-1 conversation with her oldest...who wanted to tell me how happy and comfortable i make her mom...and how happy that makes her...wow.

**the way our lives tend to parallel in some important ways (like now, for instance)--it's nice for us both to have someone who "gets it" in ways that others may not...

**those browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...yes, still...always...

**decisions, decisions, decisions...

**COMMUNICATION (i'm not yelling, just really, really grateful-lol)...

**NYLO...finally living up to its potential...wheww.

**a little bit of 1-1 time with my lil kamburger--love that kid, man.

**the winds of change a'blowin...(and no kim, it's not gas, lol)...

**IP addresses and friends in very helpful places....gotcha.

**ingenuity, resourcefulness, and a willingness to just try it myself...and the help of a coworker--a pen and a sharpie can do big things--even on a car. lol

**this love...i am still so ridiculously happy...and the shit aint going away...

**the amazing things you said to me on that balcony...your "karma incarnate"...i have no words.

**you asking me to be your love mentor...i am honored.

**seeing my friend brandi and meeting her great husband--we really enjoyed ourselves and look forward to hanging out for "grownup time" again soon...

**you meshing/merging so well with my friends and family...i knew that you would--still nice to see it in action...knew they'd love you.

**you...in that orange dress. wow.

**that she wears flowers in her hair for me...

**the fact that we missed each other when i returned to work...ahh, this is the good life.

**my mom...for thinking i'm the greatest, even when i know i'm not...

**my brother...just love that dude.

**for the love of a woman who is everything that is real, and good, and right in this world...and the fact that i can feel the same love from her in every touch, smile, and look. my heart is full.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

DEAR ANONYMOUS...

GOTCHA...
LET THE GAMES BEGIN.

TGIF...

Thanks for calling me out Brandi...I hadn't forgotten, but the reminder is always appreciated...especially when there are other things going on...

grateful for:

**grateful lists themselves and how they remind me of everything that's good in my world...

**anonymous...oh i'm going to have fun with you--you have no idea.

**a love so amazing that it brings out the very worst in the haters...doesn't sound fancy but think about it...

**my friend Jessica getting married this Sunday to the man of her dreams...I know you two will have a great life together!

**unlimited text messages (and the crowd goes wild!!!)

**people...they sure are interesting...can't even get that mad at 'em...issues, issues, issues...

**home-cooked meals...delicious...seriously.

**another week...

**beach trip in one week--can't wait to see you brandi...and can't wait for the "all of us time"--it's party time kiddos! lol

**your baby turning 15...the way he loves his mama is amazing...

**the browns and greens in the deep forests of her eyes...can i swing from your branches?

**tito's, sky, seagram's, and that sexy black cat...nice one.

**getting to attend meditation last Sunday...it was great

**baseball game this Sunday--going to be fun

**so many "firsts" and important shared experiences already...

**a full life...i am deeply sad for those who don't have enough going on in their own existence--the world/life they've created for themselves--to stay focused on it and enjoy it...but instead lead such empty lives that they have the time to give so much time, thought, and energy to other people's...so blessed and grateful not to be a part of THAT club...

**zicam...i might possibly be becoming a bit TOO fond of it, and that's not good...but these days it's the only way i can breathe--this sinus infection is for the birds!

**people showing their true colors...whoever "anonymous" is, i assume you are no longer a major part of my/her/our life (if you ever were)...and for that, i am SO grateful, and clearly you never deserved to be there...

**her laugh/giggle...the reason i would be devastated if i lost my ability to hear...

**my sister in Miami for the Junior Olympics for the next week...i am so proud of her!

**for the way that YOU love ME...it's amazing to me...

**my brother and i talking/texting, etc more...i love that boy.

**treetop love and butterfly kisses...never can get enough...

**so much time spent "just being"...

**the popeye face...seriously makes me crack up every single time...

**the fact that those who really know us and love us can easily see it in our eyes...BOTH of ours.

**for a saturday off to do nothing but be with you and do what we want, when we want...

**for my life...i am truly blessed.

**for you, Michelle. i love you so much--no need to be metaphorical about that one.

don't forget to smile...doesn't always come as mindlessly as breathing, but is potentially just as important...--bRandy

A WORD TO THE (UN)WISE...

Be careful. I am not who you may think I am. And I have ways of finding things out...and my guess is that you know that. My advice is to do yourself the favor of being content with the damage you have already done...it's already going to take an army to keep me off your ass when I get confirmation. Step lightly...for I feel like a minefield.

IMPROVEMENT V. GROWTH

There's a difference between improvement and growth...at least in my own mind.

I was asked several times over a particular period in my life why I stayed in the situation I was in...or in reverse, why I didn't leave or give up on it. My answer was always that I saw improvement. And I thought that was enough. I didn't realize at the time that while seeing improvement can certainly be a good thing, it is not the same as seeing growth...and by extension...improving is not the same as growing.

To improve upon something is "to bring into a more desirable or excellent condition"...

To grow is "to arise or issue as a natural development from an original happening, circumstance, or source"...

It's the nature part that makes the difference. There is a vast difference between bringing something into a more desirable condition--improving...and actually have a natural development--growing.

One can improve without growing. One cannot typically grow without also improving. Although I must say I've seen several examples of someone growing and those around them not seeing it as an improvement. However, in almost all of those cases, it wasn't that the person didn't actually improve, it was that the people in their lives preferred them the old way...didn't want them "outgrowing" the friendship/relationship, or just didn't want things to change.

Improvement is something that one can "put on"...it's a conscious act of changing a particular action or behavior for the better...(ment) of the relationship or the people's perception of the person. Growth, by contrast, occurs naturally...it cannot be forced, cannot be faked..and most importantly, it doesn't go away. It is possible for one to improve upon something temporarily...to get better at it but only for a certain period of time. Once we have attained growth in a particular area, this won't go away. We may stumble or have setbacks, but those are easily overcome. If we have too many, or find it too difficult to overcome, chances are we've actually improved, not grown.

Because of its illusive and potentially fleeting nature, I have learned that in a relationship, it is not enough to look merely for improvement in the "deal breaker" areas, but we must instead see growth. I still firmly believe in "staying"...I believe in being committed and loyal and strong and not running at the first sign of trouble. I just also believe that if you're constantly being hurt by something in your relationship or friendship and your answer to why you continue to stay through that thing is that you see improvement, but are never able to truly say that you see growth, that's a problem (aside from the more obvious fact that if people are constantly asking you why you stay, that may already indicate a problem...or at least a major concern...but hey, some people are slower than others...bless us.) On the flip side, I think that I could stay through just about anything (but dishonesty) in a relationship if I could truly say I saw growth. Growth is not the cure-all...it has stages...saying you see growth doesn't mean the problem has been solved, it just means that you see a natural development in that area...something that is ingrained in that person...something that's not being done simply as a conscious effort to "show" you or to alter your perceptions.

I have a picture frame in my bathroom that says "Grow" and has a dried yellow rose inside instead of a picture. I have had it for many years and even though I'm no longer in contact with the person who gave it to me, I've never been able to let it go...it's one of my favorite things. I finally understand why...

Improve your sports skills...your job-performance skills...your money-management techniques...but

Grow...yourself. Grow...your relationships. And I will do the same...

-B